The last couple
of months before I left for China passed by astonishingly fast for me. By this time, my responsibilities were merely
to help out the family in any way possible while father was recovering. This task was made even more singular for me
since Minnetonka was able to find a full-time para-assistant to assume my
responsibilities at the district in December.
Over the course
of my final two months at home I found that the steady routine of life was
slowly weighing me down; nonetheless, I still found many ways to remain
productive while living at home. I tried
my best to read a book a week, write, study Chinese, exercise, and do at least
one fun activity with dad daily.
During these
long-weeks at home I felt a strong sense of foreboding at not knowing what path
the future would lead me down. I tried
my best to remain positive about the direction my life was taking; however, I
was shocked to become aware of how difficult it was to imagine myself living my
normal life in China.
I think that
there were many contributing factors which all played pivotal roles in allowing
this sense of trepidation to dominate my consciousness. First, the enormity of my father's and
uncle's cancer over the past six months left a shadow on my constitution. Second, I was facing a future which I feared
the outcome of. Truly, I did not think that
my Chinese skills could guarantee me employment in the Foreign Service, nor did
I like my chances being employed as a consultant following the expiration of my
teaching contract in China. The combined
influence of these determining factors left me feeling as though I was a captain
of a ship without a clear destination.
The real turning
point for me came through an unexpected encounter with my mother on the eve of
my journey back to China. After having a
spirit-engaging conversation we both left knowing so much more about the other
person than we had previously. Truly,
the effect of such a heart-to-heart conversation is impossible to overstate
with words. To this day, the contents of
this conversation have allowed me to feel ease in mind, body, and soul.
Following this
inspiring conversation I also had a second conversation with my father which
left me equally invigorated. The
combined effect of these two discussions has helped me to be centered in mind. Now, I feel much more content with the
singularity of my goals in regards to my next chapter in life. The peace of mind that one gets from knowing
that they are passionately pursuing perfection in a way which matches their
desired vocation is difficult to overestimate in value.
After several
months of ruminating, I have come to a couple of conclusions regarding the
conversations I had with my parents before leaving for China. Life-changing conversations do not
materialize through thin air, nor are they a part of the natural evolution of
relationships overtime. These
life-inspiring conversations can only manifest themselves when both parties
mutually seek understanding to the greater questions at hand. When one has a real heart-to-heart
conversation with someone else it is important to be utterly and completely
honest. Leaving something out can be the
worst thing for both parties moving forward.
Above all else, listening and careful reflection are both of central
importance. Reacting in a rash or harsh
manner can have a negative effect on those involved and in some cases even
result in leaving both parties feeling worse than before the exchange.
The impact of
such conversations on one's life can be awesome. The clearness of understanding, life changes,
and maturation has all lead me to find greater awareness in life. This awareness has opened my eyes up to so
many new things that I previously was blind to.
One of the best unexpected results of these conversations is that I now
wake up each morning feel passionate about my life again. Strangely enough, I have also noticed the
curiosity of my youth has somehow returned.
The unexpected result of my returned sense of inquiry has allowed my
studies, reading, writing, and life in general to feel much more vibrant than
it had over the past couple of years.
All of these things have come together to make me feel as if I am currently
experiencing a "Renaissance" in my life.
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