The Final Weeks in Minnesota: The Power of Saying Goodbye

                                Regardless of all of these revelations in my life, I still felt the force of my impending separation with my parents on my soul.  The weight of my departure was exacerbated by the realization that I would not return home for at least one year.  

                                I have discovered that I cannot ever really become accustomed to long-term partings with the people I truly love.  The circumstances of my father's continued fight with cancer as well as my uncle's struggle pushed me to thoroughly analyze my decision to return to China during the interim time I spent at home.  In reality, having to amply consider my reasons for coming to China had the positive effect of reinforcing my decision to return as well as made me more confident in my final decision.  In all earnestness, I can say that I completely bought into the reasons for returning to China before I had left home.

 

                                The final couple of days before our parting were spent mostly together as a family which was to all our liking.  During this time we took several pictures together, enjoyed a couple of delicious meals, went to the movies, played card games, and spent time chatting near the warmth of the basement fire.

                                As a parting gift I wrote my parents two letters.  One of the letters was in English and the other was in Chinese which I think they thought was appropriate despite the fact that they could not read it. 

                               My departure from the airport was of course the toughest parting for everyone.  After saying our goodbyes, exchanging hugs, and kisses we went in our separate directions.

                                The aforementioned revelations in my last blog helped me to feel that this parting was somehow different than in the past.  While departing, I still had a distinct feeling that this time we were leaving each other, yet I felt that our bond together was merely broken in the physical sense this time.  During previous departures I felt the emotional toll of my separation with my family heavily in my heart; whereas, this time I felt happiness in the knowledge that all parties possessed mutual understanding of the other parties involved.  I can contribute this feeling of emotional connection to the important conversations we had together while I was home over that six month period of time.

Conversations that Impacted my Life: Answers to the Greater Questions in Life

 

                                The last couple of months before I left for China passed by astonishingly fast for me.  By this time, my responsibilities were merely to help out the family in any way possible while father was recovering.  This task was made even more singular for me since Minnetonka was able to find a full-time para-assistant to assume my responsibilities at the district in December.

 

                                Over the course of my final two months at home I found that the steady routine of life was slowly weighing me down; nonetheless, I still found many ways to remain productive while living at home.  I tried my best to read a book a week, write, study Chinese, exercise, and do at least one fun activity with dad daily. 

 

                                During these long-weeks at home I felt a strong sense of foreboding at not knowing what path the future would lead me down.  I tried my best to remain positive about the direction my life was taking; however, I was shocked to become aware of how difficult it was to imagine myself living my normal life in China.

 

                                I think that there were many contributing factors which all played pivotal roles in allowing this sense of trepidation to dominate my consciousness.  First, the enormity of my father's and uncle's cancer over the past six months left a shadow on my constitution.  Second, I was facing a future which I feared the outcome of.  Truly, I did not think that my Chinese skills could guarantee me employment in the Foreign Service, nor did I like my chances being employed as a consultant following the expiration of my teaching contract in China.  The combined influence of these determining factors left me feeling as though I was a captain of a ship without a clear destination.

 

                                The real turning point for me came through an unexpected encounter with my mother on the eve of my journey back to China.  After having a spirit-engaging conversation we both left knowing so much more about the other person than we had previously.  Truly, the effect of such a heart-to-heart conversation is impossible to overstate with words.  To this day, the contents of this conversation have allowed me to feel ease in mind, body, and soul. 

 

                                Following this inspiring conversation I also had a second conversation with my father which left me equally invigorated.  The combined effect of these two discussions has helped me to be centered in mind.  Now, I feel much more content with the singularity of my goals in regards to my next chapter in life.  The peace of mind that one gets from knowing that they are passionately pursuing perfection in a way which matches their desired vocation is difficult to overestimate in value. 

 

                                After several months of ruminating, I have come to a couple of conclusions regarding the conversations I had with my parents before leaving for China.  Life-changing conversations do not materialize through thin air, nor are they a part of the natural evolution of relationships overtime.  These life-inspiring conversations can only manifest themselves when both parties mutually seek understanding to the greater questions at hand.  When one has a real heart-to-heart conversation with someone else it is important to be utterly and completely honest.  Leaving something out can be the worst thing for both parties moving forward.  Above all else, listening and careful reflection are both of central importance.  Reacting in a rash or harsh manner can have a negative effect on those involved and in some cases even result in leaving both parties feeling worse than before the exchange.

 

                                The impact of such conversations on one's life can be awesome.  The clearness of understanding, life changes, and maturation has all lead me to find greater awareness in life.  This awareness has opened my eyes up to so many new things that I previously was blind to.  One of the best unexpected results of these conversations is that I now wake up each morning feel passionate about my life again.  Strangely enough, I have also noticed the curiosity of my youth has somehow returned.  The unexpected result of my returned sense of inquiry has allowed my studies, reading, writing, and life in general to feel much more vibrant than it had over the past couple of years.  All of these things have come together to make me feel as if I am currently experiencing a "Renaissance" in my life.

Chinese Immersion: An Opportunity for Professional Growth

                                After only about a month of time at home I found that my life was falling into a dangerous pattern of routine.  Knowing that I likely had several more months ahead of me consisting of similar happenings did nothing to improve my outlook.  Understandably, these combined factors started to create disillusionment in my life which is something that I never like to feel.  Fortunately for me, I was to learn that there was in fact a great opportunity for professional growth around the corner.

 

                                In late August, I was extremely pleased to learn that the Minnetonka School system was interested in meeting me in person regarding their Chinese Immersion program.  By this time in my maturation I was pretty confident in my ability to communicate orally in Mandarin Chinese.  Knowing this made me all the more willing to accept their invitation to learn more about the program at Minnetonka.

 

                                After our formative meeting I know that there was a unique opportunity for me within the district.  One trait which all humans pursue is feeling valued for their work.  Knowing that I was in fact valued for my novel experience and skills made me very interested in the program at Minnetonka.  Only later did the paradox of my situation enter into my consciousness.  It is still strange to think that I came home to America to teach Chinese to American students; whereas, I come to China to teach English to Chinese students.   

 

                                In all honesty, I was really excited about getting the opportunity to test out my Chinese back home in a professional environment.  I was also excited to witness and reflect upon the differences in current educational pedagogy, student behaviors, and content material between the United States and China.  Since both the ages of students and the content material are vastly different between countries and jobs it is clearly not wise to make presumptive statements without mentioning the limits of comparison.

 

                                In my opinion, teaching in both places offer unique challenges and opportunities for personal growth as a teacher.  I was really impressed by the knowledge and abilities of my middles schools students in the United States; whereas, I am equally impressed by the discipline and elevated position learning holds in China. 

 

                                Did I ever meet disciplined students who really valued their education in the United States?  Of course I did meet disciplined students during my time teaching back home.  Where there creative students how had a lot of potential in the classroom in China?  Naturally I have also met many gifted and talented students in China as well. 

 

                                To me, this is where the value of experience positively impacts a determined learner looking to improve their professional knowledge.  In summary, I found that no one situation did all of the stereotypes, biases, and prejudices actually end up true.  What this tells me is that a person who is determined to learn from their experiences must take careful notes and observations.  Too often humans think that things are so obvious or redundant in life.  This has the negative effect of leading some people to the outcome that life is quite banal and uninteresting.  To me, there could be nothing further from the truth than this, and throughout my life experience has taught me to always be observant of the minor similarities and differences between occurrences.   

 

                                Overall, I know that I benefited greatly both professionally and academically during my time working in Minnetonka's Chinese Immersion program.  I relished the opportunity to learn from tried professionals who were already well-versed in the difficulties of teaching in a foreign language.  Since I had no prior experience working in an immersion setting back home I knew that this was going to be a once in a lifetime opportunity for me to learn from this experience; therefore, I took notes often, asked a lot of questions, and tried my best to challenge myself throughout my time as a Chinese para-assistant. 

 

                                The three months that I worked at the school district really flew by for me.  During that period of time I learned a lot and always tried to come to class with the attitude of the learning enthusiast. 

 

I am really indebted to the district for this opportunity and look forward to hearing more about the Chinese Immersion program as it grows in the future.  At the end of my time in China I may walk through those school doors once more in pursuit of a full-time position with the program.  

Seeing Life in a New Light: Freeing Ourselves to Live Life to the Fullest

 

 

                                The recent events of my life have once again driven me to seek answers to the unanswerable meaning of death.  Asking one to answer a difficult question such as, "What is the meaning of life," can very often have a negative impact on a psyche.  In my own life, I have found that reflections into death still offer uncomfortable answers. 

 

                                Since I found that the world I was raised in did not offer environments conducive for discourse on the subject of death; consequently, I feel it is my obligation to advance my proposed ideas on what such an environment might look like.  I think that an environment that promoted discourse would be one that promoted questions that did not always have easy answers. 

 

                                As humans we especially do not like admitting that we are ignorant of anything which carries importance to us.  I find that being honest to one's self is the first step towards creating the right environment outside of self.  When a person is in the right state of being then they can begin to make progress towards living a more fulfilling, understanding, and aware life.

 

                                I believe that as humans we would be wise to do a better job of talking about these types of deeper issues in our lives.  The model that I propose to use in this case would be one driven towards discovery through the odyssey of life. 

 

                                The odyssey of everyday life does not cause many people to stop and think about the greater unknowns.  During the course of a hard worked day we tend to forget all of the great mysteries left to be solved in our vast universe.  If we think about life as a way to experience that mystery then I feel people would be more inclined to ponder the greater questions of life.

 

                                This unknowing nature of life introduces the power of imagination, creativity, and discovery into our daily lives.  I love getting up each morning and realizing that I will find something new today that I possibly had not experienced yesterday.  I also love looking at all of the possibilities of each moment in the day there are.  Our mind truly cannot grasp how great all of these possibilities really are. 

 

                                These types of revelations have helped me to feel reinvigorated in my life.  I now feel like living each day as if it were the only day I had been given.  My greatest hope would be that other people could experience this same kind of joy that I have been fortunate enough to feel over the past few months.  Enjoy the journey!

The Power of Death and Reflection: Why is the End so Hard to Talk About?

                                The death of my grandfather in 2012 coupled with my father and uncle's diagnosis of cancer last year had the cumulative effect of influencing the way that I viewed death.  Clearly, seeing death impact even the most intimate corners of my life caused me to stop and reflect upon the realities of life.  In my life, I have learned that emotionally-based experiences seem to have the greatest pulls on our being; therefore, coping with the loss of those most dear to us is one of the most physiologically painful moments in our lives.

 

                                Admittedly, my childhood seemed to keep death about as far away from reality as possible.  Losing my paternal grandmother at the age of four to A.L.S; Lou Gehrig's disease, left me feeling quite puzzled as to what death actually was.  In all honesty, I was not completely convinced with the narrative which provided positive answers to all of my questions.  From an early age I have always embraced the mystery of life, and I felt compelled to seek answers to the questions at large. 

 

                                In my everyday life, death certainly did not manifest itself growing up in America.  Living in a middle class neighborhood and having parents who could provide for the family certainly helped to proliferate the idea that life was an exercise in immortality.

 

                                In the family unit, in the classroom, and in Church no one really seemed that comfortable with talking about death.  Whenever I brought up these types of questions I found people only willing to offer common sense responses, positivist logic, or a dismissive reprieve to my inquiry.  These types of half-hearted, unjustifiably answers, or openly antagonistic answers left me feeling all the more frustrated for asking in the first place.

 

                                From a young age I developed the ability to read people's emotions quite well.  While growing up, I also started to attempt pleasing those around me in order to receive some sort of reward in return.  These seemingly quite different factors contributed in leaving many of my difficult questions unanswered.

 

                                These unanswered questions about death had a large impact on my life by the time I was in high school.  By that time, I started to become obsessed with the idea that some unintended consequence from a minor event could at any moment cause the end of my life.  I seriously spent hours fretting about my own demise a fantasy world of doom.  Meanwhile, I found that all inquires on death continued to produce little results. 

 

                                When looking at these comments in the present, I am aware for the first time how great this fatalistic fear of death impacted my life.  The beauty of my present peace has allowed me to realize for the first time that I was terrified of my life until my mid-twenties.

The Gift of Life Transplant Home: Long days Spent in the Blessing of Kindness

                                From the first time our family visited the Gift of Life Transplant home in Rochester, MN I felt perfectly comfortable with lodging there.  The entire staff exuded confidence, kindness, and respect for each guest and patient staying at their facility.  On that first visit to the G.O.L home our family was given a tour of the faculties.  During this tour there was one thing above all else that left a lasting impression on me.

 

                                I was truly amazed at how clean everything was kept at the home and how serious everyone was in regards to keeping it that way.  Since I had never before seen a place such as the G.O.L home I was surprised by the constant collective effort needed by all in order to keep everything sanitized.  During my time down in Rochester, I learned that this steadfast diligence is maintained in order to protect patients from infection.  Patients who are going to receive a transplant usually already have a weakened immune system; therefore, guarding against infections becomes a serious matter for people around transplant patients.

 

                                One of the rules regarding staying at the G.O.L home was that the period of stay was determined by the vicissitudes of their convalescence; thus, the period of stay could be flexible to cater to the needs of those already staying at the home.  This flexible lodging arrangement did have a drawback though for those looking to reserve lodging in advance of their stay at the home.  Since lodging could not be guaranteed, our group could not be certain of our reservations at the home until several weeks leading up to receiving treatments in Rochester.

 

                                Overall, our whole group was extremely impressed with our tour of the facilities and decided that we would pursue lodging at the G.O.L home.  Fortunately, when the time came there were rooms available for our family at the home.

 

                                In total, I spent over two weeks in Rochester from the beginning of my time home in August until I left for China in February.  The vast majority of that time in Rochester was spent at the G.O.L home with my father.  My time of stay with my father in Rochester contained two main periods of treatments for his cancer.  The first week we spent in Rochester consisted mainly of pre-physical examinations which all patients must pass in advance of receiving a transplant. 

 

                                After dad passed all of his exams he was cleared for transplant on that first Friday that we were down in Rochester.  The stem-cell transplant was definitely one of the highlights of my experience back home over the past six months.  It just cannot be overstated how wonderful of an experience it was for all of us.

 

                                During these weeks dad and I often talked, played card games, read, watched television, or went on short walks together.  Overall, the time spent at the G.O.L. home seemed to go by pretty slow for me which meant that the time went by ten times slower for my father.  Honestly, listing all of the rules and restrictions placed on a transplant recipient would be too arduous of a task for this blog.  Let us just say that I admired my dad's courage for going through those long and gloomy days of recovery with only me at his side.

 

                                At the end of my two weeks down in Rochester my mother came down to replace me as the primary-care giver for dad.  On the advent of my return to Eden Prairie I felt a sense of achievement at not allowing dad's health to depreciate too much during our time together.  I also was happy to know that I had played a positive role in keeping my dad's spirits high during some of those tough early days down in Rochester. 

Stem Cell Transplant: Undergoing a Physical Rebirth

                                To my mind, spending time with my family at the Mayo Clinic was a period of lasting importance to me.  Knowing that this was where my dad and a team of professionals would make a stand against his cancer made this place one of immense importance to me.  

 

                                Upon arriving at the Mayo, it did not take me too long to realize that things were going to go well for us at this Mecca of medicine.  Having already personally experienced care for injuries at several different hospitals in my lifetime, I can tell rather quickly what level of care a specific institution is offering its patients.  This sense of quality comes from years of experience with sports injuries which tended to be magnified by the intense level of competition I played in.

 

                                I could almost instantly feel that the quality of care at the Mayo Clinic was second to none.  From the first time that my parents went down to Rochester I felt very comfortable with dad receiving cancer treatments there.  In my mind, everyone working at the Mayo Clinic appeared to personify professionalism, care, and dedication to their jobs. 

 

                                Receiving this type of quality care really was a boon to the family's collective constitution after learning of dad's diagnosis.  All of these positive aspects seemed to calm my parent's nerves and make the whole experience of going down to Rochester almost enjoyable for us.

 

                                Fortunately, for our group dad did not have to spend too much time down in Rochester during his preliminary medical screenings.  Living in the state of Minnesota really helped us out in this regard because we did not have to travel great distances to and from appointments.  The Mayo Clinic also re-arranged my father's treatment schedule, so we did not have to stay so many extra days down in Rochester before dad's stem cell transplant. 

 

                                Naturally, the most amazing episode of this whole experience for me was dad's stem cell transplant.  Since his treatment had been moved back a few weeks; this is normal when dealing with a high volume of transplant patients, our transplant day was moved to November 1st.

 

                                On this fateful day our group arrived extra early; 5:15 a.m., in accordance with transplant procedures.  The transplant process itself was going to be quite slow since it would take several hours for all of his stem cells to completely absorb into his system.

 

                                I learned that the stem cells themselves are kept in frozen containers until the day of the transplant.  On the transplant day they are removed from their frozen containers and carefully soften into liquid form through a process of liquefaction.  This process takes several minutes as one nurse works on warming up the stem cells and another tends to the verification of the donor / host.

               

                                Being able to witness this awesome moment of rebirth truly was a special one for me.  The three of us were truly excited by the air of anticipation collectively felt by all upon receiving the first of three transplants.  This long day spent in the hospital truly was one of transcendent power which seemed to impart on all of us the sense that although the future was uncertain there was now a sense of hope for the future.