The Power of Death and Reflection: Why is the End so Hard to Talk About?

                                The death of my grandfather in 2012 coupled with my father and uncle's diagnosis of cancer last year had the cumulative effect of influencing the way that I viewed death.  Clearly, seeing death impact even the most intimate corners of my life caused me to stop and reflect upon the realities of life.  In my life, I have learned that emotionally-based experiences seem to have the greatest pulls on our being; therefore, coping with the loss of those most dear to us is one of the most physiologically painful moments in our lives.

 

                                Admittedly, my childhood seemed to keep death about as far away from reality as possible.  Losing my paternal grandmother at the age of four to A.L.S; Lou Gehrig's disease, left me feeling quite puzzled as to what death actually was.  In all honesty, I was not completely convinced with the narrative which provided positive answers to all of my questions.  From an early age I have always embraced the mystery of life, and I felt compelled to seek answers to the questions at large. 

 

                                In my everyday life, death certainly did not manifest itself growing up in America.  Living in a middle class neighborhood and having parents who could provide for the family certainly helped to proliferate the idea that life was an exercise in immortality.

 

                                In the family unit, in the classroom, and in Church no one really seemed that comfortable with talking about death.  Whenever I brought up these types of questions I found people only willing to offer common sense responses, positivist logic, or a dismissive reprieve to my inquiry.  These types of half-hearted, unjustifiably answers, or openly antagonistic answers left me feeling all the more frustrated for asking in the first place.

 

                                From a young age I developed the ability to read people's emotions quite well.  While growing up, I also started to attempt pleasing those around me in order to receive some sort of reward in return.  These seemingly quite different factors contributed in leaving many of my difficult questions unanswered.

 

                                These unanswered questions about death had a large impact on my life by the time I was in high school.  By that time, I started to become obsessed with the idea that some unintended consequence from a minor event could at any moment cause the end of my life.  I seriously spent hours fretting about my own demise a fantasy world of doom.  Meanwhile, I found that all inquires on death continued to produce little results. 

 

                                When looking at these comments in the present, I am aware for the first time how great this fatalistic fear of death impacted my life.  The beauty of my present peace has allowed me to realize for the first time that I was terrified of my life until my mid-twenties.

The Gift of Life Transplant Home: Long days Spent in the Blessing of Kindness

                                From the first time our family visited the Gift of Life Transplant home in Rochester, MN I felt perfectly comfortable with lodging there.  The entire staff exuded confidence, kindness, and respect for each guest and patient staying at their facility.  On that first visit to the G.O.L home our family was given a tour of the faculties.  During this tour there was one thing above all else that left a lasting impression on me.

 

                                I was truly amazed at how clean everything was kept at the home and how serious everyone was in regards to keeping it that way.  Since I had never before seen a place such as the G.O.L home I was surprised by the constant collective effort needed by all in order to keep everything sanitized.  During my time down in Rochester, I learned that this steadfast diligence is maintained in order to protect patients from infection.  Patients who are going to receive a transplant usually already have a weakened immune system; therefore, guarding against infections becomes a serious matter for people around transplant patients.

 

                                One of the rules regarding staying at the G.O.L home was that the period of stay was determined by the vicissitudes of their convalescence; thus, the period of stay could be flexible to cater to the needs of those already staying at the home.  This flexible lodging arrangement did have a drawback though for those looking to reserve lodging in advance of their stay at the home.  Since lodging could not be guaranteed, our group could not be certain of our reservations at the home until several weeks leading up to receiving treatments in Rochester.

 

                                Overall, our whole group was extremely impressed with our tour of the facilities and decided that we would pursue lodging at the G.O.L home.  Fortunately, when the time came there were rooms available for our family at the home.

 

                                In total, I spent over two weeks in Rochester from the beginning of my time home in August until I left for China in February.  The vast majority of that time in Rochester was spent at the G.O.L home with my father.  My time of stay with my father in Rochester contained two main periods of treatments for his cancer.  The first week we spent in Rochester consisted mainly of pre-physical examinations which all patients must pass in advance of receiving a transplant. 

 

                                After dad passed all of his exams he was cleared for transplant on that first Friday that we were down in Rochester.  The stem-cell transplant was definitely one of the highlights of my experience back home over the past six months.  It just cannot be overstated how wonderful of an experience it was for all of us.

 

                                During these weeks dad and I often talked, played card games, read, watched television, or went on short walks together.  Overall, the time spent at the G.O.L. home seemed to go by pretty slow for me which meant that the time went by ten times slower for my father.  Honestly, listing all of the rules and restrictions placed on a transplant recipient would be too arduous of a task for this blog.  Let us just say that I admired my dad's courage for going through those long and gloomy days of recovery with only me at his side.

 

                                At the end of my two weeks down in Rochester my mother came down to replace me as the primary-care giver for dad.  On the advent of my return to Eden Prairie I felt a sense of achievement at not allowing dad's health to depreciate too much during our time together.  I also was happy to know that I had played a positive role in keeping my dad's spirits high during some of those tough early days down in Rochester. 

Stem Cell Transplant: Undergoing a Physical Rebirth

                                To my mind, spending time with my family at the Mayo Clinic was a period of lasting importance to me.  Knowing that this was where my dad and a team of professionals would make a stand against his cancer made this place one of immense importance to me.  

 

                                Upon arriving at the Mayo, it did not take me too long to realize that things were going to go well for us at this Mecca of medicine.  Having already personally experienced care for injuries at several different hospitals in my lifetime, I can tell rather quickly what level of care a specific institution is offering its patients.  This sense of quality comes from years of experience with sports injuries which tended to be magnified by the intense level of competition I played in.

 

                                I could almost instantly feel that the quality of care at the Mayo Clinic was second to none.  From the first time that my parents went down to Rochester I felt very comfortable with dad receiving cancer treatments there.  In my mind, everyone working at the Mayo Clinic appeared to personify professionalism, care, and dedication to their jobs. 

 

                                Receiving this type of quality care really was a boon to the family's collective constitution after learning of dad's diagnosis.  All of these positive aspects seemed to calm my parent's nerves and make the whole experience of going down to Rochester almost enjoyable for us.

 

                                Fortunately, for our group dad did not have to spend too much time down in Rochester during his preliminary medical screenings.  Living in the state of Minnesota really helped us out in this regard because we did not have to travel great distances to and from appointments.  The Mayo Clinic also re-arranged my father's treatment schedule, so we did not have to stay so many extra days down in Rochester before dad's stem cell transplant. 

 

                                Naturally, the most amazing episode of this whole experience for me was dad's stem cell transplant.  Since his treatment had been moved back a few weeks; this is normal when dealing with a high volume of transplant patients, our transplant day was moved to November 1st.

 

                                On this fateful day our group arrived extra early; 5:15 a.m., in accordance with transplant procedures.  The transplant process itself was going to be quite slow since it would take several hours for all of his stem cells to completely absorb into his system.

 

                                I learned that the stem cells themselves are kept in frozen containers until the day of the transplant.  On the transplant day they are removed from their frozen containers and carefully soften into liquid form through a process of liquefaction.  This process takes several minutes as one nurse works on warming up the stem cells and another tends to the verification of the donor / host.

               

                                Being able to witness this awesome moment of rebirth truly was a special one for me.  The three of us were truly excited by the air of anticipation collectively felt by all upon receiving the first of three transplants.  This long day spent in the hospital truly was one of transcendent power which seemed to impart on all of us the sense that although the future was uncertain there was now a sense of hope for the future.

Learning a New Role: What I learned While Helping out the Family

                                Once I knew I would be coming home to tend to the collective needs of the family I was keen to discover what my role would be.  While discussing the plan of action, I was struck by how long dad was going to have to be down in Rochester receiving treatments for his cancer.  I instantly imagined that I could be of service during this period of convalescence for my family.

 

                                Per my father's treatment plan, he would receive treatments and spend time in recovery at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota.  Looking ahead at this period of time worried my parents since they would both be away from their home in Eden Prairie.  This situation was especially untenable for my mother who was going to have to take off open-ended periods of time from work.  The only solution available to them was finding an additional care-giver to lighten the burden of care on my mother.  This was especially necessary since the length of recovery time is dependent on many uncontrollable factors.  Fortunately for everyone my re-appearance at home would solve this solution for the group. 

 

                                After I started to get accustomed to my daily routine of life back at home I soon became aware of the need to help out my mother as much as possible.  Initially, I was the most concerned with helping out my father since he was the one going through the treatments; however, it did not take me too long to realize that my mother was equally experiencing psychologically side-effects from my father's cancer as well. 

 

                                Admittedly, those who are physically going through treatments are those who will bear the immediate effects of the disease.  One thing I did learn though while going through my father's treatments was that those around the patient can also experience side-effects from stress related to going through the disease with your loved ones.

 

                                As humans we are innately aware of the manifestation of pain in those around us.  I have found that our awareness of pain is quite heightened when signs of it show up in a loved one.  Truly, I can now understand why family members assisting loved ones in cancer treatments can feel at times like they too are experiencing a life-and-death struggle for survival.  This empathy should not be seen as an un-necessary burden on those assisting loved-ones.  Love felt and lost is much better than love never experienced at all, and as humans we all must come to terms with our own mortal state of existence. 

 

                                Science and technology has given humans so many innovative treatments, medicines, and tools for fighting common illnesses today.  In some ways, I think that the advent of modern medicine has had the unintended consequence of creating a false sense of mortality.  Those fortunate enough to have access to these types of medical miracles can sometimes falsely believe that their longevity can be prolonged for an indefinite amount of time due miracle drugs.

 

                                Though modern medicine can provide miracles to those of us who receive modern treatments we are still bound by the laws of our anatomy.  No matter how great our science and technology progresses in the future humans will never be able to completely disregard their evolutionary limits.  In my opinion, the only solution to our own mortality should be to live life to the fullest.  No matter what miracles modern medicine presently has to offer us we have to realize that one day our time will come.  That is the way it always has been and always will be.

 

                                Being able to lend a hand to my parents was one of the most rewarding things that I have done in my life.  I found in some ways that my benefice atoned for years of apathy and neglect for their efficacy.  Only through the gaining of wisdom and the maturation of years was I able to learn truly how lucky I was to have been born into the life I had in Eden Prairie.  Thankfully, God gave me the opportunity to come back home and share in the love of my family at least one more time.  Each time we get an opportunity to do anything we must appreciate it; no one knows when the next one will be our last...

Getting Home: Living in a Strangely Familiar World

                                Knowing that I was going home to see dad for the first time since hearing the news of his cancer diagnosis scared me.  To say that I was feeling anxious to see my parents is an understatement, since I was honestly trying my best to not even think about it throughout my flight home. 

 

                                By the time I was to return home in August, my dad's on-going chemotherapy treatments had already been going on for around two months.  For me, my greatest fear was that I would see my dad and not be able to recognize him due to his exhaustive chemotherapy treatments. 

 

                                Upon hailing the Honda CRV to the curb of the MLPS airport, I immediately noticed that dad did not look as worm-down as I had feared.  By all accounts he seemed rather normal to me which under the circumstances made me feel rather odd.  Sure enough, there were several awkward moments which passed between the three of us where I first entered the car after unloading my luggage.

 

                                I think that this uncomfortable feeling manifested itself at this moment because rightfully so I was coming in as an outsider to my father's cancer.  By this time the cancer did not seem so novel to my parents, and I knew that I was going to feel tempted to try and make it become so again by asking a bunch of redundant questions.  I also confess that I felt an underlined feeling of shame for personally not being home at the moment dad learned of his fate.  Even the most sincere protests to the contrary could not have changed my position that I should be held responsible as an only-child for the care of my parents.

 

                                What at first was an obstacle to my intimacy with my parents soon became a rallying point of our unit.  As time went by, I found that in only a matter of weeks I was able to talk with my parents freely about dad's cancer.  Soon I was even able to stop feeling alienated about my perceived lack of duty for being responsible for my parent's health. 

 

                                During this crisis, I learned a lot of important life lessons regarding managing tense situations.  In times of crisis it can become expedient to hide one's true feelings once the majority of participants latently call for a spirit of collective collaboration.  I also discovered that I was not truly being honest if I just went along with saying that the status quo was copasetic.  I learned that I am not capable of putting on false affectations when someone I love is in need of consult.  I just flat out do not want to exaggerate the reality of things that I cannot control.

 

                                Fortunately, I did not come into a situation where either of the above things came into manifestation.  Regardless, I sometimes struggled with managing the amount of comfort and honesty I displayed with others regarding my dad's cancer.  It seems that I too am as convoluted as other humans are.

 

                                In order to cope with these sometimes difficult feelings I turned to exercise, prayer, reflection, and work to help me get through the tough times in my father's recovery.  Luckily for me I was given the awesome opportunity to work in the Chinese Immersion program in Minnetonka for three months starting in the end of September.  This opportunity gave me the wonderful chance to focus my energies in another direction in the middle of this time of crisis.

Finding Oneself: A Joureny of a Lifetime

            

                                At this point in my recounting of my last year and a half of my life I think it is important to share with you the single greatest discovery and subsequent changes I have been making in my life recently.  

 

                                Through careful observations, honesty, and awareness I finally recognized that at a young age I started trying to reject the person who I truly was inside.  Frankly, this phenomenon occurred only because I did not see myself being able to compete with my father's accomplishments while being the person I truly was. 

 

                                I think this childhood desire to be more like my father is common experience for most children growing up; however, the lengths that I went to make these changes were truly extraordinary.  If I think back on it now, I would imagine that being an only child greatly aided in my tenacity at which I worked on changing myself personally.  The problem was that in my haste to become more like my dad I completely forgot to remember who I truly was as a person.

 

                                It is not surprising that from an early age I had even learned that this strategy had its extrinsic advantages as well.  I found that my parents would reward me when my idealized actions molded to those of my parents.  I soon discovered what I thought to be happiness in the contentment one feels upon reaping the rewards of actions which did not truly merit rewarding.  Over time though, I discovered that there was still something missing in this arrangement which left me feeling hollow inside for some reason.  I knew that something was amiss, yet what that actual thing was continued to elude my desperate pursuit of it...

 

                                This type of "childish" logic is really based off of presumptive social theory which focuses on the importance of molding social behaviors in order to match that of the group as a whole.  It should not be shocking to anyone that from a young age some people seem intuitively able to grasp these types of social dynamics.  Naturally, the rewarding process of this game is what keeps people in line and conformed to the informal and formal rules of that group.  The size of the group itself can also be expanded in regards to even society as a whole.  This is the kind of stuff which I like thinking about most...  Yeah, I am a nerd! 

 

                                From an early age, only-children are painfully aware of their own isolation and relish any type of social interaction from other people.  Therefore, it would not seem that strange to believe that in cases of receiving social-stimuli only-children seem to be more hyper-sensitive compared to that of their multi-sibling peers.  I was aware from a young age that somehow I did not fit in with my peers; likewise, every time I tried to mix in with other children I suffered from my own over-stimulation at being around people of my age group.         

 

                                Later in life this problem of group-association manifested itself in many different ways.  The most frustrating example of this phenomenon was that even in high school I felt distinctly alienated from the groups I had worked so hard to associate myself with.  Indeed, it would take me until the end of my high school studies to find other people who shared similar goals, inspirations, and ideas with me.  In those latter associations I finally started to find peace in accepting who I was as a person.  In those relationships I finally found a voice for relating my own struggle with self which I had previously been unable to find in my life.

 

                                This journey at points brought me to the edge of almost losing my true self to the created image I was striving to reach.  It was a dark odyssey which took me down several bouts of depression and feelings of general malaise.  Fortunately, I was able to somewhere deep down inside remember that God had never abandoned me throughout this journey, and God had created me to fulfill a special purpose in my life.  Even in my darkest and most despairing days I still held out hope that God would somehow help me to find out the answers to my questions.  The ironic thing is that once I figured out the real problem the solution was inherently a simple one.  God already told me the answer long ago; I just needed to learn how to listen to what he was telling me and accept my true self again.

 

                                Honestly, I cannot think of a happier ending to my life's struggle for personal awareness.  Knowing that I was finally ready to accept my true self in life was the most important change I have ever made in my life.  Its impact transcends itself in all manners and ways.  Most recently this has had an important impact on my search for true vocation in my life.  I learned that if a person can accept their true self in a way that utilizes both their inherent strengths and weaknesses then they have a chance to find happiness in their work.

 

                                For many years now I have spent a lot of time focusing on self-understanding.  During this time I tried extremely hard to be able to understand the whole story in its entirety.  The beauty of my final discovery was that I alone could not answer these greater questions without the help of others.  My personal ruminations could take me to place and time, but only by hearing the perspectives of others was I able to really put the whole puzzle back-together.  In this way, I must thank both my parents for helping along the course of my journey. 

 

                                For some the truth can be a very difficult thing to accept.  Fortunately for me, discovering truth had the unintended consequence of setting me free from my own personal hell.  I am now free to live my life knowing that I am absolutely doing what God intended me to do with the natural gifts that were given to me.  Knowing that I am no-longer living divided has allowed me to feel like I am experience life again for the first time!  Truly, this process can become a completely transformative one for those of us interested in living more peaceful lives.  I encourage everyone who reads this to take some time to evaluate their own lives more closely.  Afterwards, I am sure that you too will find many questions worth looking into more closely. 

 

                                I believe that a final comment on this section is needed.  The journey of finding oneself is truly never over.  Getting to the point that I have reached has been quite liberating for me; nonetheless, I know that my life will continue to change from this point forward.  In order for me to maintain my personal understanding I am going to need to maintain my present state of awareness moving forward.  Now that I know how to do this I look forward to the upcoming challenges and changes of life.  This is our journey; let's make it worth remembering! 

Coming Home: Facing New Challenges in a Changing World

                                Actually, the offer that I received came more in the form of an obligation I felt I needed to perform.  My parents asked me if I could manage to come home the following semester in order to help out the family while dad was fighting cancer.  At first, I honestly struggled with this offer since I was afraid to face the reality of the situation back home.  Indeed, I found myself in the proverbial, "rock and a hard place," since I knew I should go home to be with the family regardless of my personal discomfort with the harshness of reality.

 

                                Through the healing forces of time, I am now able to look back upon my selfish obstinacy with a sense of disgust, sadness, and empathy all at the same time practically.  I guess it is safe to say that I was living a divided life at that time of crisis.

 

                                The latest news I was hearing about dad's condition was more encouraging than what I had previously heard.  Thankfully, the doctors told us that dad was going to be getting his stem-cell transplant around the middle of October.  Hearing this news really helped to lift up my down spirit around the time I was to return home. 

 

                                Another big change in my life was related to the status of my relationship with 陈诗文. The decision was made between us to try and maintain our relationship while we were apart.  This decision was difficult for both of us to manage since neither of us had prior experience with long-distance relationships.

 

                                On top of that I was coming back to a world that was infinitely different from the one I had become used to in my previous life in Minnesota with the passing of Grandpa Kottom.  Facing this obstacle I knew would be difficult for me because my grandpa played such an inspirational role in my life.

 

                                All of the above aforementioned changes overshadowed the two obvious challenges which would also meet me upon arriving home.  First, I was not going to be in China for an entire semester as I was going to be needed to assist the family during that period of time.  Second, I was going to have to suspend my studies and put my personal ambitions on hold while I was at home helping the family out.

 

        It remains interesting to me how clearly the present can make the past look in retrospect.  Looking back on my past ruminations tells me that I was at that time in my life living a very selfish, egotistical, and ultimately divided existence.  For many reasons I was struggling at that time with being able to let my parent's struggles enter my consciousness.

 

                                The beauty of getting to where I am now is that I can accept all of these truths and move on in a way that neither rejects nor accepts the past.  This type of peace can only come from the power of allowing awareness to enter our consciousness.  In order to protect ourselves from sliding back into a recurring nightmare of continued error a person must learn to listen to the signs of reality in front of us, become aware of our own thought-process, and accept the imperfections of our nature.  True consciousness really can exist if we allow our awareness to reach that level; however, if we never give it a real chance than of course we will continue to miss out from the lessons that may have been learned only through the process of becoming aware.  Remember, it is often impossible to see something if we are blind!

 

                                Another poignant observation that I should make is about the manner in which I was living a divided life.  At that time, I was painfully aware my soul's desire to answer the call to help my parents; regardless, I was still completely blind to the reality of why I was struggling to move forward regarding these seemingly simple questions. 

 

                                Truthfully, this struggle has taken me until the very present to answer in its entirety.  The fact remains that I was living a divided life primarily because I had always grown up rejecting the person I truly was born to be.

Signs and Symptoms of Distress: Coping with Trauma

 

                               I would say that I experienced several stages of grief upon hearing the news of my father's diagnosis.  First, I can frankly say that I resorted to telling myself that everything was okay back home.  Dad was clearly in the best hands possible and that the doctors were the ones who could truly heal him anyway.  I feel that in no small way living abroad at this time contributed to the decision of choosing this defense mechanism.  Obviously escapism is the most effective method to employ for someone who is already away in the first place...    

 

                                The phrase, out of sight out of mind" definitely comes into play here for I really tried to do my best to resume life as normally as I could in China.  Contrary to my wishes, the passing of a couple of weeks ushered in the realization that I could not maintain this masquerade much longer.  There was a point where I finally realized that I could only heal from the pain I was feeling by candidly talking with friends, students, and colleagues about my dad's cancer.  To my benefit, after a couple of conversations I could already feel that this tactic would ultimately help my overall strategy of dealing with pain more successfully than my previous attempts to escape from reality.   

 

                                Going through this process taught me the value of being honest.  In normal conversations it does not take people too long to recognize who is being honest with them.  Likewise, even when we imagine ourselves to be extremely deceiving we are actually much more transparent than we would like to believe when trying to lie to others.  In any event, being aware of the value of honesty is definitely a pre-requisite to being able to cope with trauma in our lives.

 

                                In my opinion, the categories of, "repression" and "escapism" both fall hand in hand.  When I repressed my fears about my father I attempted to place all of my energy on other tasks that would keep my mind off of reality.  Given that my prodigious imagination knows no boundary, I found that I was very successful in this pursuit.  Only through the passage of time was I able to see the folly of my ways and accept that it was time to move forward with newest changes in my life.

 

                                For me, the real watershed moment was when it was decided that I was to come and help out the family for six months.  Knowing that I was soon going to have to face my fears changed my outlook on the situation.  At the time, I correctly guessed that my experience moving forward with my father's illness was going to change dramatically.  Only through the passage of time would I be able to see how greatly these changes would impact my life today.

A Personal Struggle: How we act When Tragedy Occurs

 

                                From my perspective, it would be understandable to say that I felt a sense of shock upon hearing my dad's diagnosis.  Honestly, it is difficult to describe all of the emotions that enter into your consciousness at once upon hearing such news.  I certainly felt fear, foreboding, anxiety, and sadness all at once after I learned of dad's prognosis.  In order to cope with this traumatic news, I instinctively turned to denial, repression, and escapism in order to cope with the harshness of reality.  Before I go into further details about how these different types of defense mechanisms played a role in my mental state upon hearing the diagnosis of my father's cancer, I must comment briefly on the effect this news had on me while living in China.

 

                                To say that I was completely unprepared for this type of news would have been an understatement.  Truthfully, even in the best of circumstances my support system in China would have been hard-pressed to absorb the blow of hearing such devastating news back home.  I have maintained several good relationships with friends and colleagues during my time in China; however, I cannot say that they can bear the weight of such grave tragedies as well as my support system back.

 

                                Life can become a burden to maintain when distance separates you from the ones you love.  It is cliché to say it, but just being able to comfort a loved one in a time of crisis is a central part of the healing process for humans. 

 

                                Through experiences with different emergencies in life, I have learned that growing up I tried to stay optimistic during a crisis in order to show a sense of calm to those nearby.  My belief being that remaining calm in a time of crisis equated to nothing being amiss in reality.  The next logical step my mind took was that since nothing had changed nothing was actually wrong.  Obviously, this type of defense mechanism promotes escapism with a capital E.

 

                                During the banal vicissitudes of life we tend to completely forget about the tenuous state our existence is in.  Literally at any moment our lives can become irrevocably changed by some unimagined devilry; yet, we tend to exert much more time worrying about the minor frivolities of life.  In reality, if the mind focused on all of the threats it might face a person would not be able to leave the safety of their beds in the morning. 

 

                                Careful analysis of the aforementioned habitual mental processes at a minimum corroborate that human beings have a biological threshold for analyzing their own existence.  If a human crosses that line and begins to think too often about their own demise then they risk suffering from debilitating depression. 

 

                                I would also like to point out that the above evidence argues that humans are extremely conflicted creatures who instinctively recoil against accepting the harshness of reality.  Avoiding problems might seem like the safe thing to do in the moment; however, the longer we hold off accepting reality the more we risk facing a debilitating depression at some point in time following the inevitable realization that things are quite different now.  The reality that your deportment is literally under the micro scope during a crisis only works to exacerbate the problem for those of us who feel consciously aware of the societal norms supposedly needed to be filled in the midst of a crisis.

Plans Diverted: An Unexpected Diagnosis

                                By the month of May I definitely knew something was wrong back in Minnesota.  I had known for months that my parents were both extremely excited about their upcoming trip with their best friends to Spain and France.  What seemed exceptionally strange to me was the manner in which their enthusiasm for their trip stopped showing during our conversations on skype.  I later learned that my parents were becoming more and more anxious regarding my dad's rotator cuff surgery taking place that month.

 

                                During our weekly skype conversations, my dad told me that he had been able to manage his pain okay without medication leading up to May.  Early in the month he started to notice a discernible increase in the severity of pain he was feeling in his shoulder.  An additional concern for me was that dad mentioned to me that his energy levels had been decreasing in the past few months.  Since my dad's job is usually pretty stressful this comment at first seemed trivial at the most; however, as time went by I started to notice more warning signs which led me to conclude that something was definitely amiss. 

 

                                Undeniably, these signs should have lead me to suspect the underlining problem; however, I somehow remained blithely unaware until my parents informed me that the rotator cuff shoulder revealed an even greater problem hidden within a cluster of sinuous tissue.   Undoubtedly, the news that the surgery unmasked a large tumor in my dad's shoulder was certainly the worst outcome we could have imagined.

 

                                The follow tests uncovered the extent to which my father's cancer had already spread in his body as well as gave us a diagnosis to rally around: Multiple Myeloma.  After thinking over the results of my father's diagnosis, my parents made the sage decision to seek treatment for dad's cancer at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. 

 

                                By this point in time, the family decided together that it was best for me to come home and support the family during dad's treatments.  Knowing that in the upcoming months I was going to be back home and going through the treatment and healing process with my family left me in a tumultuous state.  Honestly, even though I was excited and ready to get home and help the family I also was selfishly nervous.  As the following paragraphs will describe, I felt that I may not be strong enough to withhold all of the trying times back home.  I knew that I had never gone through a similar experience and I truthfully was quite anxious to know how I would respond to the adverse circumstances.

Returning to Tokyo and Farwell to Japan: Overall Wonderful Voyage!

 

                                The following day I rode on what would be my last bullet train ride in Japan.  Overall, I was extremely impressed with my ease of traveling in the country.  True enough, the punctuality, speed, and efficiency of travel in Japan had given me the opportunity to travel great distances in a short period of time.  Feeling like I had really traveled well for the money; at this point in my trip I had spent roughly a eleven-hundred dollars, I decided that I was going to buy some gifts for family and friends in Tokyo.

 

                                Once I arrived in Tokyo, I was again excited to be back in the city and finish my final two days of travel in the country.  Since I arrived in the evening I decided that I wanted to go back to the bustling Shibuya district that evening.  I knew that this would be my last opportunity to enjoy the evening sights as well as eat at my favorite Okonomiyaki restaurant; therefore, I decided that I must seize the moment and take the fifty-minute subway ride back to my favorite place.

 

                                My final day in Japan went by very quickly for me.  I spent the morning buying gifts for family and friends and took the afternoon off to go sightseeing one final time.  The highlight of my last whole day in Tokyo was visiting the Tokyo Skytree observation tower that afternoon.  At the observation level a person could look through the thick transparent platform all the way to the ground level.  To the onlooker's eye, the sheer distance made the cars at the ground level seem similar to that of ants in size. 

 

                                Saying goodbye to Japan was hard but the financially responsible decision.  Looking back, I can honestly say that I spent every cent of my money wisely and was able to enjoy a wide range of entertaining adventures all while being on a tight budget.  Looking towards my future, I am certain that the lessons I learned while traveling in Japan will certainly help me plan future traveling adventures.

Visiting Himeji Castle: Another Opportunity for me to Expound on Humans

 

                                The next day in Osaka I decided to get up a little earlier, so I could have time to visit the massive Himeji Castle on my way onward to Tokyo.  In its zenith, the Himeji Castle must have been something for the eye to behold.  Today, Himeji is Japan's largest and most popular castle for tourists to visit.  The manifestation of a long-bygone age manifests itself in the intact relics of war left behind to bear witness to the masses of curious onlookers attracted to Himeji. 

 

                                After visiting so many massive castles in Japan it is hard for me to categorical say which left the greatest impression on me; however, I can with great certainty limit my answer down to a possibility of two choices: Himeji or Osaka Castle.  Let me say that in both instances I was impressed for different reasons while exploring the different castles.  Let me say that all of the castles that I visited in Japan were unique and their grandeur well-exceeded my highest expectations.

 

                                While visiting these monuments to war a singularly novel idea entered into my mind.  I guess it is a strange to think of visiting castles in this type of philosophical manner; however, by this time if you have read all of my blogs then I am certain that you could have seen this minor digression coming a mile away. 

 

                                In my humble opinion humans are extremely contradictory creatures.  Indeed, I above decidedly used more than two paragraphs to spell out how anti-war I am in nature.  Regardless, I have also made it clear in my writing that I am very interested in visiting places made infamous by their war history.  In this way, my vicarious latent desire to try and understand war certainly has some deeper connection to the human condition than I can indicatively pinpoint.  Fascination truly has an intriguing hold on my mind.

Osaka Japan: A Mixture of Traditional and Modern Culture

 

                                The next morning I awoke around 7a.m. to take the train from Hiroshima to Osaka.  This part of the trip was definitely a highlight for me since I only had a rough outline for what I wanted to do while in the city.  Following checking into my hostel, I asked the front desk to recommend a couple of things that tourists tended to enjoy seeing in Osaka.  Per her suggestion, I determined that I would go see the Osaka Castle first thing that afternoon.

 

                                Luckily, the receptionist was spot on because I absolutely loved visiting the Osaka Castle.  Once I had entered one of the forward gates to the castle it only took me a couple of steps to feel totally eclipsed by the massive scale of the grounds.  The castle's massive 15 acre perimeter of walls, moats, and bridges literally makes a traveler feel like a miniature figurine in comparison.  Since this day was exceptionally hot, it only took me about twenty-minutes to decide that I was going to need to find somewhere cool to rest.  Fortunately, I learned that the Osaka castle keep had been turned into a massive air-conditioned museum years ago; therefore, I made the pragmatic decision to pay the entrance toll in order to at least rest a while in side.  While inside the museum, I enjoyed reading about the different time periods in the history of the city of Osaka and their respective influences on the castle itself.     

 

                                In the evening, I used the metro to get into the modern shopping districts of Osaka.  While in this shopping paradise, I became the prototypical picture taking tourist everyone thinks of when they envision someone visiting a foreign place for the first time.  To me, the awesomeness of cities has always had an attractive pull on my conscious awareness.  Truly, no matter how many cities I visit I am always looking forward to visiting the next one.

 

                                After a day sightseeing in Osaka, I made the decision that the next day I wanted to go on a side-trip to visit another city in Japan.  In general, I really enjoy this type of deviating itinerary since it allows a person to make critical decisions on the ground with the best information available at the time.  In the end, visiting Japan's most famous castle seemed like too great of an opportunity to pass up.

                               My overall impression of Osaka was that it was not the highlight of my trip in Japan nor is it a place that should intentionally be circumvented while traveling in Japan.  It is a city that is worth visiting for a few days depending on how much time you are planning on spending in Japan.