My last two weeks signified a great awakening in my spirit. I had put a lot of stock in gaining as much intellect as I could during my time in China. I believed that reading and writing were two areas which idealized intellectual curiosity and creativity. I also wanted to take advantage of the unique experiences of learning a different language in a foreign country. I knew that this was my single greatest opportunity to learn about Chinese cultural as well. High physical athletic attainment always was something that has always been paramount in my life. Training my body and mind for the Chongqing marathon helped me fill that void. However in all my wisdom I had seemed to miss out on the single greatest element of experience itself. That I neglected to put a great emphasis on was the human factor and wonders of personal experience with local Chinese is something that might seem shocking to some people reading this blog. I would remind all readers to realize how strange the motivations of others can seem from afar. After truly discovering my motivations I realize now that is partially why I came so lassiez-faire to China in the first place. I knew that whatever happened with my experiences it would be fine because I was going to accomplish my goals. For those of you who question my motivations I offer a word of caution. First, try your best to understand your own motivations for doing anyone thing. After you have decided on what that thing is think about it for a while and then try and look through your motivations from someone else’s perspective. It is always easier for someone else to point a finger than to try and really understand that other point of view.
Besides this pragmatic element of thinking, I also did truly believe that all people are much more similar and relatable than many think. Meeting so many great people and learning from them has been something that I would never have imagined was going to be what left the greatest mark on my life and time in China. Looking back many years from now I will not remember all of the running, reading, and writing that I did. Sure, it will all make an important impact on my future and are pursuits which I enjoy greatly in my free time. What I will remember is the kindness of my friends, the excitement of my students, the walks, the dinners, and the greatness of freedom. One cannot measure such a thing as freedom in the mind of a young person. The free soul is able to discover so much about oneself, world, and meaning in life.
Living in my world which placed such an emphasis on reaching goals and targets; I almost forgot to open myself up to the wonders of everyday experience. I had spent a vast amount of time this summer living strangely like a hermit if I was not training for the marathon outside or playing basketball. I was getting up late and staying up even later. I tended to blow people off regarding doing other activities than what would meet my “tight” personal schedule based off of my goals. Missing a day of writing, reading, or running was not an option for me that I would have considered. Later, I started to become exceedingly depressed with the lack of meaningful social interaction I was having each day. I avoided eating my meals outside. I tended to be a reclusive misanthrope who enjoyed doing everything on a strange schedule just because I had found pleasure knowing that I was doing whatever I wanted to do. I was selfish beyond all recall and shut off people in my egocentric world. Sadly this type of behavior is not a new phenomenon in my life. Being driven to success at such a price is a thing in which I have struggled with mightily in my life. The last few days I have modified my schedule to be back within the realm of society and I have found that I am again having meaningful experiences.
My second night at this new preferable schedule found myself faced with one of my greatest challenges I have experienced in my life. People who have not experienced the frustrations of failed communication in a foreign country can never appreciate how priceless clear communication can be. I know that I certainly did not before coming to China. As I prepared to go to dinner I took with me my normal carefree manner which has helped keep me balanced in China. As I went to sit down for dinner twenty or thirty people fixed their gaze in my direction. Due to the large crowd I know that I was going to be forced to sit with others. At this very moment of partial terror something unexpected happened.
Two older gentlemen flagged me over to their table. As I sat down they started firing away some questions at a normal pace Chinese pace. The next few minutes an even greater surprise hit me as I started to actually communicate with them better than I ever had before. It was one of those unique moments when I realized that even though each party in the conversation was unable to comprehend the other perfectly miracles can happen any day. One or two times things became un-comprehensible for me as I tried my best to understand. Even with these challenges I had great happiness at being able to get past some questions that would have tripped me up in the past. I can really thank my improvements on two people: Maggie, and Emma. Both of these great friends enjoy going on walks which allow me to practice my Chinese as they work on their English. I have a special place in my heart for Emma as she helped me rediscover how wonderful human experience is.
Maggie’s summer holiday to Tibet kept me with only Emma to have meaningful conversation with beyond the rudimentary level of English. As most of my friends have left over summer vacation for their home towns I soon kept less social engagements. Fortunately, a teaching opportunity fell into my lap as I was lucky to have been the only foreigner who speaks English in Rongchang at the time. Little did I know that I was going to meet a truly special group of Chinese-English teachers who would change my experience in China. I was offered to teach one class for elementary, middle, and high school students. As I entered in ready to teach I was struck by the fluency of English from some of my fellow colleagues. When I finished teaching my day of classes I decided to avoid lunch with the foreign teachers. Better to keep to my own very important schedule of goal reaching. I feel ashamed to say that I did this and had been doing it somewhat repeatedly this summer. I often justified it through my pragmatic argument that no one really could understand how much my serious goals meant to me personally. In avoiding some opportunities I relied on a coy nature of elusiveness which usually kept me at an arm’s length from making commitments. Besides, I thought why should I continue to be the object of everyone’s affection? By this point I was becoming annoyed with my “rock star” attention which I was getting. I grew a great desire to have this wrongly elevated attention cast off me like Prometheus had desired while burdened with the weight of the world on his shoulders.
I used these excuses and more to mentally justify my solitude. Personality changes resulting from this neglectful state of being altered my entire life. I no longer wanted to say “hi” or “hello” to my fellow Chinese hosts anymore. The ticking time bomb of depression exploded finally due to the exacerbated effects of all of these elements. I spent several days alone in my house unable to find the motivation to leave. I did not want to work out and decided to fill that empty time slot with a constant amount of entertainment. As my mental depression spread to physical depression I entered a strange phase in my life which, sadly, is neither the first time I have over worked myself to fulfill personal goals. Prolonged sadness over periods of time is truly the greatest ailment a person can endure causing both mental and physical paralysis. As I hoped to somehow “entertain” away my sadness I received a call from a friend regarding some business we had previously discussed. After avoiding answering his call for several hours I decided that I would put on a good face and speak with him. Afterwards something I did not intend happened which changed my existence. I started to feel better. Not better from any resolution of our conversation but mentally happier just by speaking with a friend. When I realized this I picked up my phone and dialed Emma.
Over the next two weeks I would get to know Emma through a series of encounters. We enjoyed walks together in which conversation would freely between different topics and ideas. I really appreciated her sincere desire to be a great friend for me in this time of personal and mental challenges. Once I began to get to know her better I grew a great respect for her sincere kindness. I rarely have meet people who have as sincere of a heart as Emma. We connected on a myriad of topics and ideas. Our conversations added a new perspective to how I view Chinese youth. Having a background in Chongqing definitely made an impact on her educational upbringing. Emma clearly had an intellectual curiosity about herself which is less frequent in Rongchang.
I enjoyed spending time with the entire group of Chinese-English teachers. I will make a quick digression on summer vacation in China. Frankly, students in China do not have one. As they finish their regular year’s worth of studies almost all enroll in summer school where they go to school five days a week for six hours a day. I believe that their level of personal stress, competition, and academic rigor is at a level where most American students cannot appreciate.
This week of summer vacation was my happiest time spent over my holiday up until this point. I enjoyed playing games and meals with my Chinese friends. I was struck by their ability for thorough class preparation. Emma was very strong in her English and knew the materials quite well; therefore, she was free most nights for walks. Her other colleagues were not as fortunate as they spent several hours each night preparing for the next day’s classes. Even with these limitations they found a couple hours for fun at night. I improved my Chinese greatly over this month spent with these amiable Chinese teachers. I really appreciated all of the good memories as I look forward to all of the new great ones coming up when my parents come and visit me in China.
My parent’s preparations for China are in full-swing at this point. I felt great satisfaction by being able to help my parents in the way that I was by others as I embarked on my journey to China. After answering some questions for them I realized that I was starting to become insightful on China and Chinese culture. Afterwards, I started to think back on the time I had already spent in China and became amazed with how fast time has progressed. In less than two weeks I will have already been in China for six months. As I think back to my last departure from Minnesota my greatest feeling of separation has come from the people that I love. The lessons that I needed to re-learn from Emma and her colleagues about the beauty of human interactions made me re-evaluate many of my tight goals and schedules that I like to keep in life. I was also thrown a life line by my father’s timely advice to remove great blame in life. I had lived so long blaming myself for so many things without consciously picking up on it that the gravity of this advice did not even strike me as landmark. However, as I started to reflect and used this advice to really change my outlook I soon realized the gravity of the advice. My father’s timely advice helped to change the way in which I reflected on my personal experiences which is something that I have done a lot while in China. Combined with the lessons that I learned from Emma and her colleagues I soon became reticent in my desire to change. As I have become distinctly focused on making my career meaningful for myself I discovered how important my link to humanity really was.
In my search for personal meaning and my true vocational calling I discovered that I wanted to make the world a better place by relating my lessons from my experiences abroad. That visionary question came up in manifold ways in H.G. Wells’, “The World Set Free”. This fictional accounting of a world which works together through creative vision inspired me as a person. Being able to write about my experiences in China is one way in which I feel great happiness. I also look forward to being able to eventually return to America in search of further education. I feel a great connection in trying to continue learning, experiencing, and living abroad still. That is why at this point I am considering joining Cory the following year in South Korea. Teaching in South Korea would give me another unique perspective which would greatly enhance my ability to understand the world in which we live in. The more that I understand the world today the stronger my connections I can make will be.
Last quick note. I am currently reading Victor Hugo’s, “Les Miserable’s”, and Mark Twain’s, “Roughing It”. Both works are exceptionally vivid in their elements and represent two vastly different experiences. I truly find the work of Victor Hugo as inspiring as well as being a masterpiece of literature. Seeing the world through the eyes of someone who has witnessed the tumults of the past signifies a world in which one is not able to reach in this life time physically. Mentally seeing all of the parallels within the human conditions then and now produces a relief in my mind that humanity is quite similar across time and space. That does not mean that it has to always be this way though…
I am less than seven days away from seeing my parents and very excited for our reunion! Best to all friends and family back home!
Erik
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