How can one express the experiences of trying to learn about oneself in pen? Millions of thoughts fly by within an instant. The mind tries its best to capture and remember the most important thoughts to share with you all. In reality, there is no way for me to completely describe the amount of growth I am going through right now. Mentally, physically, and spiritually wonderful changes are happening in my life. I have been searching the past few years to learn more about myself, where I wanted life to take me, the goals I had in life, etc. Regardless of where I started I recognized that I needed to first make a few systematic changes in my life in order to reach a better understanding of myself.
I first wanted to reconnect my body with the universe. After my experiences playing college football I realized that it was time for me to lose all of my excess fat. I never enjoyed being that big, having to consume so many resources, and generally making my body, mind, and soul the slave of football. It was a major growing experience for me in my life. I took to this task vigorously by changing my eating habits, drinking more water, and exercising daily. After losing over 100 lbs from largest weight of 308 lbs, I can safely say that I have never felt more at home in my own skin. I was ashamed of my body when I was big. Now I do my best to take care of it daily. I have limited my alcoholic intake considerably as well. Another part of being whole is not dividing your “spirit”, “conscious”, and “mind”. I knew that alcohol was a great social lubricant, and used it during college to make up for my lack of confidence in myself. At the time it made perfect sense and no one questioned the amount of alcohol consumed. This counterculture of drinking in colleges is way out of control. I know, I was just there and took part in it readily. Once you look yourself in the mirror and ask the simple question, “Is this who I really am”, the remedy becomes simple. I no longer feel awkward in my own skin; thus I no longer need to consume much alcohol. Problem solved. However, growing is never static. As I continue to learn about my body I will always need to take in mind its general health. No more “working” through pain. I rather be smart and understand the days when I should probably only go on an hour run versus an hour and a half, etc.
Next I took to advancing my mind intellectually. I had always had a great love, interest, and passion for all kinds of learning. I knew that I should take advantage of this in China, so I stuffed my e-reading Kindle with several hundred books. Living in an existential world can truly unlock a lot of things, which the mind successfully blocks out to try and heal our sometimes “soft” constitutions. I know that my own constitution was growing weary of my designs in life. What were my true motivations? Why did I want to be a teacher? What were my true gifts that God gave to me especially to help my true “voice” speak in my vocation? What secrets had I tried to keep from myself? All of these questions and more perpetuated my mind the last few weeks and months. The growing processes can be painful; however, the alternative is to live in the shadows. Once a person decides that living in the shadows no longer constitutes a functional reality to live in action takes place. All of these lessons and more came from the wonderful book I finished reading last week Parker Palmer. “Let Your Life Speak,” has helped me understand that it is essential to understand ourselves, specifically the gifts that God gave us as individuals to help us discover what our true vocational voices are.
I knew that while living in America I was slowly feeling that my true vocational voice was being pulled this way and that by both internal and external forces too powerful to not acquiesce at times. If I allowed these forces to win I knew that I would give into too many true “voice” destroyers such as: money, power, fame, etc. All of these forces drove me inextricably away from what I was trying to accomplish in my life. I was weak and often powerless to combat these forces and I knew it. This is not the same for everyone in America. Some people are very strong indeed and have always held these forces at bay. Nonetheless, I knew that I could not flourish as a high school teacher in America alone. I had always wanted to be the intellectual whose knowledge was greeted with eager listeners ready to learn. At least in educational theory. Even in college that is not always the case; however, that was the way that I have always been. I have always been eager and excited to learn. When I felt bad sometimes usually going to a college class would cheer me up. I missed only a couple classes each semester (usually in order to study for a big test). Rewinding back to when I was in high school, I knew no other way and that is why in high school I decided that I wanted to be a high school teacher. Because, as my simple mind thought at the time, “everyone truly does want to learn”! I could not grasp what my friends where talking about when they remarked that they “hated” school. At the time I thought that they too were probably just lying to cover up for their real love of school like I did at times with certain people. All in all, I have discovered that teaching high school would not fit my weak tolerance for punishment, interest in lifelong learning, desire to expand my mind, etc. I know now that I had to have other things as well.
This is not a reaction on teachers or the teaching career in general. I realized that my own limitations where God given and I could not be truly happy working with them. Preparing to look for a teaching job before coming to China I realized this all too well. I was going through the motions, being a good soldier, and trying to find a teaching job. In truth, I was trying so hard to conceal the fact that this was not the right career for me. I was losing the fight and in this way I embraced coming to China. I realized than as I do now that China is not perfect. No place is. Regardless, my sabbatical from America is allowing me to grow as a person; a thing I knew was necessary for me to understand myself better, hopefully find my vocational voice, and reach a level of comfort-ability with who I am. I have always thought that before committing yourself to grow in life it is essential to understand yourself first. Palmer taught me that it is okay to realize our own limits, understand our evils, and think carefully about our own machinations.
I was working so hard on this journey but felt that I was losing traction after a few months in China. Reading Palmer gave my struggle a whole new vocabulary which has helped give me more drive again. I have always wanted to have my vocation speak to me. After thinking about my good and bad personal traits I created a sketch of why I wanted to become a teacher. I realized that my false ideas, my feeling of not being able to reach my potential, and generally not using my birth gifts was handicapping me from being a truly inspired high school teacher. I remembered feeling tired student teaching. It was not the physical straining which made me feel terrible when I came home at night. I worked out for two hours at least every day after student teaching. IT was the MENTAL strain that was frustrating me.
Therefore, looking forward I want to re-examine my birth gifts to help me find that true vocational voice. I realize that I have always loved to learn, have an incredible interest in everything, enjoy discussing with other people, reading, writing, learning, etc. I hope to use these skills to help me “sing” in my career. I know that if I do I will make the world a better a place. After re-examing this goal I too realized that I was living a false dream. Not to say that I do not want to make the world a better place anymore; however, I cannot start with that goal and use it dictate my career! Rather, I must use my birth gifts to dictate my career first. Knowing my nature, passion, interests, history, etc I will make the world a better place doing whatever career that becomes!
In this way I am seriously thinking about doing something where I can try to understand the world greater. I would enjoy doing something in the form of global studies, sociology, history, philosophy, Asian studies, etc. I know that that would mean more school; however, I have always enjoyed school.
China has been an absolute blast the last few weeks. I am starting to understand the questions that people are asking me with a shorter time lapse in between. This along with my burgeoning Chinese vocabulary is helping me communicate with the locals. I do not really yet have my tones down at all. It will take years of practice to get that feel down. However just being able to communicate with people is really great! I look forward to continuing my Chinese practicing, learning, and speaking!
Looking forward to next week I will not be able to update my blog due to some exciting events… Cory and I are heading off to Shanghai and Seoul, South Korea! Our two week vacation is going to be a great way for me to start off my summer vacation, and for Cory to return the America! As the summer winds down my parents are coming to visit for two weeks as well in August! All together a wonderful time to be in China and young!
In Seoul I am going to have to buy another pair of running shoes and a pair of basketball shoes. I have already gone through almost two pairs of running shoes in only four months! I feel that this will probably be my greatest expenditure while in China outside traveling.
My students’ attendance has fluctuated greatly the last two months. Unfortunately for me they are very busy (hen mang ma!) and not able to attend my classes. Cory also has had the same problem. It is a pity too because I really enjoying teaching and learning from them too. Due to the fact that English is not a major or a minor my students do not really take it seriously as a whole. However, the one or two students who do show up impress me greatly. Their personal interest in learning, questions, and thoughts keep me energized to teach them. The flip side of that is that they sometimes ask about the same questions. This can get pretty repetitive at times too which can be frustrating as well.
I cannot believe that I am already done with my first semester teaching in China! What an incredible experience it has been! I cannot wait to start up next semester and feel energized for my summer travels as well!
Love and blessings to all who are enjoying Minnesota’s and America's wonderful summer season as well back home. I hope that all are able to get outside and enjoy the weather!
Best
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