It is a phrase which I have become accustomed to hearing now in my short time in China. It is a stark reminder of my past, the influence of sight perception, and the truth of the power of “image” in our world of attraction to aesthetics. I am constantly reminding myself that most attention is bad attention. People whose biases incline them to have preconceived notions about other people (innately a part of all of human perception yes) also creates in them the desire (sometimes fulfilled sometimes unfulfilled) to be met by that person. This natural human characteristic is a part of all of us, due in part for the evolutionary natural expediency of needing to recognize that some things that appear dangerous could harm us, others, or even be fatal.
Regardless of the anthropologic background of face recognition, danger perception, etc the un-deserved attention which I receive reminds me to remain humble. Following a victorious campaign aboard a Roman champion would be placed a victory laurel after a tremendous ceremony of pomp and pageantry. The laurel would be placed on his head by a man who would dutifully whisper into the champion’s ear, “Remember, you are still only a man”. This sort of proverb is something which I think about on a daily basis. I know that I cannot be everything to everyone. This is a good thing too, due in large part to the extreme amount of false perceptions which people have about Americans around the world. Our medium of cultural exportation in our globalized world is “T.V., Movies, Itunes, etc”, which do not always leave people with the most endearing, clear, or ideal pictures of Americans. This is also okay. No people are perfect. America is also such an interesting, diverse, conservative, liberal, modern, traditional, etc conglomerate of ideas that no one picture can be made of it. Today the world is greatly changing and it is exciting to be on the very forefront of these changes. For in China the changes and past are still very much still in interplay together as the world continues to globalize.
I love my experiences here. I feel greatly blessed to be able to spread the “fire” of genuine cosmopolitan / internationalist interest, joy, and learning in China. However, I am also compelled to try and understand the very nature of the wondering gaze of my eager Chinese passersby. Many have preconceived notions at least to a degree about what, who, and why a foreigner would come to China. It is my belief that some of them are correct; however, many of them are not so accurate. Every person has unique ideas, values, goals, etc regarding living in another place as they do regarding any vocation in their life. This goes to the essence of my evolving beliefs regarding existentialism which have greatly interested me again recently in my life.
Due to my beliefs in the idea that we all craft our own unique perspectives (emotions, values, fears, desires, reasoning, etc), I am drawn to think that we all think, feel, and do things in our own unique ways each day. The very interesting thing lies at the next level though because at different times and situations I believe that our interpretations of the same exact stimulus, situation, idea, etc change due to the variability of the situation. Sometime the changes in our interpretations can be subtle. These realizations vary from person to person and experience to experience. Some changes can take years where others change at the very blink of an eye. Here are a couple examples I can think of off the top of my head: this women you have been going out to dinner with a couple times becomes no longer a friend but a possible girlfriend, the reaction to a food that you once hated becomes more appetizing, the desire to change to grab something to eat, drink, sleep, etc.
All of these interpretations allow us to think, react, and feel completely different about things at different experiences in our lives. Being able to trace the inception of these emotions and reactions can be very difficult even for the most introspection and awareness. However, I have had a recent break through regarding some of these things in my own life. I know from the psychological experiment regarding reactions to stimulus that the brain uses both emotional and reasoned reactions about at the same level of interpretation. The body touches something hot and simultaneously sends a reaction that something hot has been felt, and thinks about whatever preconceived notion of being “hot” would be at about the same time and level. Are near jerk reaction to this might be that you drop the coffee, grimace, or deliver a quick word of anger. To extend this theory (“The Schacter Two Factor”), I believe that the mind also reacts to experiences at different levels. The mind uses both emotional responses and reasoned ideas regarding each and every situation. In the past few months I have discovered so much in my life regarding who I am from reading different books, thinking, living in a new place, etc that I am getting closer to discovering the essence of who Erik Kottom is. This is an essential piece in the puzzle of why I have greatly desired to go abroad. Learning about who you are is an essential piece in discovering our own unique “voice” in the world. We are constantly bombarded by society, friends, parents, etc in our lives. In order to better discover these things it becomes essential to sometimes take a break from it all. I have always desired to do this; however, putting words to this thought has not matriculated into my machinations until of late. In this way, reading and writing have really allowed me to blossom my ideas regarding this desire.
I have began to read the novel, “Let Your Life Speak”, by Palmer and really taken to it quite quickly. I feel that there are so many lessons that we can take from the essence of our youth which slowly become foreign to us as adults. Even being a very young adult I am trying to grasp these “true self” ideas very slowly and carefully. I know that I am only able to discover the past with careful reflection and Palmer goes into this at length from his own experiences. I greatly value his advice seeing that his “vocation”, Latin for “voice”, allowed himself to discover his true passions and career in life eventually. In this voyage, he alludes to it as a “pilgrimage”, into our past I have been examining the things which I done both individually and in groups, enjoy doing still today, the good, the bad, etc. All of these thoughts have slowly been creeping into the idea that I have a critical “voice” in this world. Palmer believes that all of our “voices” are critical.
It is critical because I value my life. I feel that everyone has a critical “voice” in this world and must do their best to never forget this. The last few days I have come up with the realization that I have been greatly drawn several things throughout my life. Some of these things are innate to me. Others are a visceral love that others share in their own lives. Altogether this list has allowed me to discover the following: my desire at introspection, the continued need for me to “think” in life, my enjoyment at reading, passion for writing, creative thoughts, passion for learning (which seems to be getting stronger by the day), desire to make the world a better place, desire to know the world more, interest in discovering “truth”, love of humanity, interest in societies, psychology, politics, economics, history, etc to further my studies into the higher marks of academia. I love teaching and it is a great part of my life; however, my mind will never be satisfied I fear at not continuing to learn, discuss, argue, write, read, remarks about subject matter with others. I would enjoy some type of sociological, philosophical, historical, etc position in college very much. I am not set to completely commit myself yet. Time, past, present, and future will all continue to weave a story which is far from finished in my own life. Greater understanding will always be a great goal of mine. Interpersonal and interpersonal knowledge has always interested me greatly.
Enough about myself and the journey I am on. Last week was unseasonably cool and Cory and I enjoyed quite a bit of sports. Throwing the football and baseball has become a great past time for us in Rongchang. I am continuing to exercise daily and get in a few basketball games each week as well. All in all I am in the best shape of my life and enjoying it immensely.
Student attendance has been hit or miss most of the past month. It is one of my greatest frustrations teaching here in Rongchang were English is not a major or minor study but a luxury to our student’s precise time. I never feel anger directed at my students, though. I know that they have classes seven days a week, study extremely hard, and need FREE TIME! College was one of the most wonderful, confusing, interesting, fun, difficult, etc times of my life and I would like my students to be able to enjoy their time as well. In this way, Cory and I work around or student’s absences with as much grace as possible.
Last weekend was an important holiday in China. The “Dragon” festival represents an important period of Chinese history during the “Warring Three Kingdoms”. Knowing that tradition is very important in China, I learned that a very influential poet committed suicide due to disgust with the whole “warring” situation. In hopes of eluding the hungry fish away from his carcass mourners dropped food into the river. This festival gave Cory and I another reason to be merry because of the arrival of two great friends: Jack and Lance. Jack and Lances’ visit to Rongchang marked the first time that we had been together since Chongqing. Catching up, chatting, celebrating, singing KTV, etc marked a wonderful weekend for us four!
Summing up this blog is quite easy for me. This experience is absolutely the greatest of my life. I could never have expected it from the beginning. However, almost four months later I am really starting to enjoy being here every day. My life has always been a great gift; however, I am really hitting my stride with improving my Chinese which has also cheered me up lately. The struggle to use Chinese as much as possible is tough. However, I want to continue practicing my Chinese and enjoy being confused too. The confusion draws me to want to improve something I know I will do in time. I know I have a great way to go; however, that is the same with all of us. Wishing all of you a wonderful early summer back in America!
Best,
Erik
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