Growing is an essential part of living abroad...

How can one express the experiences of trying to learn about oneself in pen?  Millions of thoughts fly by within an instant.  The mind tries its best to capture and remember the most important thoughts to share with you all.  In reality, there is no way for me to completely describe the amount of growth I am going through right now.  Mentally, physically, and spiritually wonderful changes are happening in my life.  I have been searching the past few years to learn more about myself, where I wanted life to take me, the goals I had in life, etc.  Regardless of where I started I recognized that I needed to first make a few systematic changes in my life in order to reach a better understanding of myself.

I first wanted to reconnect my body with the universe.  After my experiences playing college football I realized that it was time for me to lose all of my excess fat.  I never enjoyed being that big, having to consume so many resources, and generally making my body, mind, and soul the slave of football.  It was a major growing experience for me in my life.  I took to this task vigorously by changing my eating habits, drinking more water, and exercising daily.  After losing over 100 lbs from largest weight of 308 lbs, I can safely say that I have never felt more at home in my own skin.  I was ashamed of my body when I was big.   Now I do my best to take care of it daily.  I have limited my alcoholic intake considerably as well.  Another part of being whole is not dividing your “spirit”, “conscious”, and “mind”.  I knew that alcohol was a great social lubricant, and used it during college to make up for my lack of confidence in myself.  At the time it made perfect sense and no one questioned the amount of alcohol consumed.  This counterculture of drinking in colleges is way out of control.  I know, I was just there and took part in it readily.  Once you look yourself in the mirror and ask the simple question, “Is this who I really am”, the remedy becomes simple.  I no longer feel awkward in my own skin; thus I no longer need to consume much alcohol.  Problem solved.  However, growing is never static.  As I continue to learn about my body I will always need to take in mind its general health.  No more “working” through pain.  I rather be smart and understand the days when I should probably only go on an hour run versus an hour and a half, etc.

Next I took to advancing my mind intellectually.  I had always had a great love, interest, and passion for all kinds of learning.  I knew that I should take advantage of this in China, so I stuffed my e-reading Kindle with several hundred books.  Living in an existential world can truly unlock a lot of things, which the mind successfully blocks out to try and heal our sometimes “soft” constitutions.  I know that my own constitution was growing weary of my designs in life.  What were my true motivations?  Why did I want to be a teacher?  What were my true gifts that God gave to me especially to help my true “voice” speak in my vocation?  What secrets had I tried to keep from myself?  All of these questions and more perpetuated my mind the last few weeks and months.  The growing processes can be painful; however, the alternative is to live in the shadows.  Once a person decides that living in the shadows no longer constitutes a functional reality to live in action takes place.  All of these lessons and more came from the wonderful book I finished reading last week Parker Palmer.  “Let Your Life Speak,” has helped me understand that it is essential to understand ourselves, specifically the gifts that God gave us as individuals to help us discover what our true vocational voices are.

               I knew that while living in America I was slowly feeling that my true vocational voice was being pulled this way and that by both internal and external forces too powerful to not acquiesce at times.  If I allowed these forces to win I knew that I would give into too many true “voice” destroyers such as: money, power, fame, etc.  All of these forces drove me inextricably away from what I was trying to accomplish in my life.  I was weak and often powerless to combat these forces and I knew it.  This is not the same for everyone in America.  Some people are very strong indeed and have always held these forces at bay.  Nonetheless, I knew that I could not flourish as a high school teacher in America alone.  I had always wanted to be the intellectual whose knowledge was greeted with eager listeners ready to learn.  At least in educational theory.  Even in college that is not always the case; however, that was the way that I have always been.  I have always been eager and excited to learn.  When I felt bad sometimes usually going to a college class would cheer me up.  I missed only a couple classes each semester (usually in order to study for a big test).  Rewinding back to when I was in high school, I knew no other way and that is why in high school I decided that I wanted to be a high school teacher.  Because, as my simple mind thought at the time, “everyone truly does want to learn”!  I could not grasp what my friends where talking about when they remarked that they “hated” school.   At the time I thought that they too were probably just lying to cover up for their real love of school like I did at times with certain people.  All in all, I have discovered that teaching high school would not fit my weak tolerance for punishment, interest in lifelong learning, desire to expand my mind, etc.  I know now that I had to have other things as well. 

This is not a reaction on teachers or the teaching career in general.  I realized that my own limitations where God given and I could not be truly happy working with them.  Preparing to look for a teaching job before coming to China I realized this all too well.  I was going through the motions, being a good soldier, and trying to find a teaching job.  In truth, I was trying so hard to conceal the fact that this was not the right career for me.  I was losing the fight and in this way I embraced coming to China.  I realized than as I do now that China is not perfect.  No place is.  Regardless, my sabbatical from America is allowing me to grow as a person; a thing I knew was necessary for me to understand myself better, hopefully find my vocational voice, and reach a level of comfort-ability with who I am.  I have always thought that before committing yourself to grow in life it is essential to understand yourself first.  Palmer taught me that it is okay to realize our own limits, understand our evils, and think carefully about our own machinations.

               I was working so hard on this journey but felt that I was losing traction after a few months in China.  Reading Palmer gave my struggle a whole new vocabulary which has helped give me more drive again.  I have always wanted to have my vocation speak to me.  After thinking about my good and bad personal traits I created a sketch of why I wanted to become a teacher.  I realized that my false ideas, my feeling of not being able to reach my potential, and generally not using my birth gifts was handicapping me from being a truly inspired high school teacher.  I remembered feeling tired student teaching.  It was not the physical straining which made me feel terrible when I came home at night.  I worked out for two hours at least every day after student teaching.  IT was the MENTAL strain that was frustrating me.

               Therefore, looking forward I want to re-examine my birth gifts to help me find that true vocational voice.  I realize that I have always loved to learn, have an incredible interest in everything, enjoy discussing with other people, reading, writing, learning, etc.  I hope to use these skills to help me “sing” in my career.  I know that if I do I will make the world a better a place.  After re-examing this goal I too realized that I was living a false dream.  Not to say that I do not want to make the world a better place anymore; however, I cannot start with that goal and use it dictate my career!  Rather, I must use my birth gifts to dictate my career first.  Knowing my nature, passion, interests, history, etc I will make the world a better place doing whatever career that becomes! 

In this way I am seriously thinking about doing something where I can try to understand the world greater.  I would enjoy doing something in the form of global studies, sociology, history, philosophy, Asian studies, etc.  I know that that would mean more school; however, I have always enjoyed school.

China has been an absolute blast the last few weeks.  I am starting to understand the questions that people are asking me with a shorter time lapse in between.  This along with my burgeoning Chinese vocabulary is helping me communicate with the locals.  I do not really yet have my tones down at all.  It will take years of practice to get that feel down.  However just being able to communicate with people is really great!  I look forward to continuing my Chinese practicing, learning, and speaking!

Looking forward to next week I will not be able to update my blog due to some exciting events…  Cory and I are heading off to Shanghai and Seoul, South Korea!  Our two week vacation is going to be a great way for me to start off my summer vacation, and for Cory to return the America!  As the summer winds down my parents are coming to visit for two weeks as well in August!  All together a wonderful time to be in China and young!

In Seoul I am going to have to buy another pair of running shoes and a pair of basketball shoes.  I have already gone through almost two pairs of running shoes in only four months!  I feel that this will probably be my greatest expenditure while in China outside traveling.

My students’ attendance has fluctuated greatly the last two months.  Unfortunately for me they are very busy (hen mang ma!) and not able to attend my classes.  Cory also has had the same problem.  It is a pity too because I really enjoying teaching and learning from them too.  Due to the fact that English is not a major or a minor my students do not really take it seriously as a whole.  However, the one or two students who do show up impress me greatly.  Their personal interest in learning, questions, and thoughts keep me energized to teach them.  The flip side of that is that they sometimes ask about the same questions.  This can get pretty repetitive at times too which can be frustrating as well.

I cannot believe that I am already done with my first semester teaching in China!  What an incredible experience it has been!  I cannot wait to start up next semester and feel energized for my summer travels as well! 

Love and blessings to all who are enjoying Minnesota’s and America's wonderful summer season as well back home.  I hope that all are able to get outside and enjoy the weather!

Best  

"Mei Guo Ren!" or "American man!"

It is a phrase which I have become accustomed to hearing now in my short time in China.  It is a stark reminder of my past, the influence of sight perception, and the truth of the power of “image” in our world of attraction to aesthetics.  I am constantly reminding myself that most attention is bad attention.  People whose biases incline them to have preconceived notions about other people (innately a part of all of human perception yes) also creates in them the desire (sometimes fulfilled sometimes unfulfilled) to be met by that person.  This natural human characteristic is a part of all of us, due in part for the evolutionary natural expediency of needing to recognize that some things that appear dangerous could harm us, others, or even be fatal.     

Regardless of the anthropologic background of face recognition, danger perception, etc the un-deserved attention which I receive reminds me to remain humble.  Following a victorious campaign aboard a Roman champion would be placed a victory laurel after a tremendous ceremony of pomp and pageantry.  The laurel would be placed on his head by a man who would dutifully whisper into the champion’s ear, “Remember, you are still only a man”.  This sort of proverb is something which I think about on a daily basis. I know that I cannot be everything to everyone.  This is a good thing too, due in large part to the extreme amount of false perceptions which people have about Americans around the world.  Our medium of cultural exportation in our globalized world is “T.V., Movies, Itunes, etc”, which do not always leave people with the most endearing, clear, or ideal pictures of Americans.  This is also okay.  No people are perfect.  America is also such an interesting, diverse, conservative, liberal, modern, traditional, etc conglomerate of ideas that no one picture can be made of it.  Today the world is greatly changing and it is exciting to be on the very forefront of these changes.  For in China the changes and past are still very much still in interplay together as the world continues to globalize. 

I love my experiences here.  I feel greatly blessed to be able to spread the “fire” of genuine cosmopolitan / internationalist interest, joy, and learning in China.  However, I am also compelled to try and understand the very nature of the wondering gaze of my eager Chinese passersby.  Many have preconceived notions at least to a degree about what, who, and why a foreigner would come to China.  It is my belief that some of them are correct; however, many of them are not so accurate.  Every person has unique ideas, values, goals, etc regarding living in another place as they do regarding any vocation in their life.  This goes to the essence of my evolving beliefs regarding existentialism which have greatly interested me again recently in my life.

Due to my beliefs in the idea that we all craft our own unique perspectives (emotions, values, fears, desires, reasoning, etc), I am drawn to think that we all think, feel, and do things in our own unique ways each day.  The very interesting thing lies at the next level though because at different times and situations I believe that our interpretations of the same exact stimulus, situation, idea, etc change due to the variability of the situation.  Sometime the changes in our interpretations can be subtle.  These realizations vary from person to person and experience to experience. Some changes can take years where others change at the very blink of an eye.  Here are a couple examples I can think of off the top of my head: this women you have been going out to dinner with a couple times becomes no longer a friend but a possible girlfriend, the reaction to a food that you once hated becomes more appetizing, the desire to change to grab something to eat, drink, sleep, etc. 

All of these interpretations allow us to think, react, and feel completely different about things at different experiences in our lives.  Being able to trace the inception of these emotions and reactions can be very difficult even for the most introspection and awareness.  However, I have had a recent break through regarding some of these things in my own life.  I know from the psychological experiment regarding reactions to stimulus that the brain uses both emotional and reasoned reactions about at the same level of interpretation.  The body touches something hot and simultaneously sends a reaction that something hot has been felt, and thinks about whatever preconceived notion of being “hot” would be at about the same time and level.  Are near jerk reaction to this might be that you drop the coffee, grimace, or deliver a quick word of anger.  To extend this theory (“The Schacter Two Factor”), I believe that the mind also reacts to experiences at different levels.  The mind uses both emotional responses and reasoned ideas regarding each and every situation.  In the past few months I have discovered so much in my life regarding who I am from reading different books, thinking, living in a new place, etc that I am getting closer to discovering the essence of who Erik Kottom is.   This is an essential piece in the puzzle of why I have greatly desired to go abroad.  Learning about who you are is an essential piece in discovering our own unique “voice” in the world.  We are constantly bombarded by society, friends, parents, etc in our lives.  In order to better discover these things it becomes essential to sometimes take a break from it all.  I have always desired to do this; however, putting words to this thought has not matriculated into my machinations until of late.  In this way, reading and writing have really allowed me to blossom my ideas regarding this desire.

I have began to read the novel, “Let Your Life Speak”, by Palmer and really taken to it quite quickly.  I feel that there are so many lessons that we can take from the essence of our youth which slowly become foreign to us as adults.  Even being a very young adult I am trying to grasp these “true self” ideas very slowly and carefully.  I know that I am only able to discover the past with careful reflection and Palmer goes into this at length from his own experiences.  I greatly value his advice seeing that his “vocation”, Latin for “voice”, allowed himself to discover his true passions and career in life eventually.  In this voyage, he alludes to it as a “pilgrimage”, into our past I have been examining the things which I done both individually and in groups, enjoy doing still today, the good, the bad, etc.  All of these thoughts have slowly been creeping into the idea that I have a critical “voice” in this world.  Palmer believes that all of our “voices” are critical.

It is critical because I value my life.  I feel that everyone has a critical “voice” in this world and must do their best to never forget this.  The last few days I have come up with the realization that I have been greatly drawn several things throughout my life.  Some of these things are innate to me.  Others are a visceral love that others share in their own lives.  Altogether this list has allowed me to discover the following: my desire at introspection, the continued need for me to “think” in life, my enjoyment at reading, passion for writing, creative thoughts, passion for learning (which seems to be getting stronger by the day), desire to make the world a better place, desire to know the world more, interest in discovering “truth”, love of humanity, interest in societies, psychology, politics, economics, history, etc to further my studies into the higher marks of academia.  I love teaching and it is a great part of my life; however, my mind will never be satisfied I fear at not continuing to learn, discuss, argue, write, read, remarks about subject matter with others.  I would enjoy some type of sociological, philosophical, historical, etc position in college very much.  I am not set to completely commit myself yet.  Time, past, present, and future will all continue to weave a story which is far from finished in my own life.  Greater understanding will always be a great goal of mine.  Interpersonal and interpersonal knowledge has always interested me greatly.

Enough about myself and the journey I am on.  Last week was unseasonably cool and Cory and I enjoyed quite a bit of sports.  Throwing the football and baseball has become a great past time for us in Rongchang.  I am continuing to exercise daily and get in a few basketball games each week as well.  All in all I am in the best shape of my life and enjoying it immensely.

Student attendance has been hit or miss most of the past month.  It is one of my greatest frustrations teaching here in Rongchang were English is not a major or minor study but a luxury to our student’s precise time.  I never feel anger directed at my students, though.  I know that they have classes seven days a week, study extremely hard, and need FREE TIME!  College was one of the most wonderful, confusing, interesting, fun, difficult, etc times of my life and I would like my students to be able to enjoy their time as well.  In this way, Cory and I work around or student’s absences with as much grace as possible.

Last weekend was an important holiday in China.  The “Dragon” festival represents an important period of Chinese history during the “Warring Three Kingdoms”.  Knowing that tradition is very important in China, I learned that a very influential poet committed suicide due to disgust with the whole “warring” situation.  In hopes of eluding the hungry fish away from his carcass mourners dropped food into the river.  This festival gave Cory and I another reason to be merry because of the arrival of two great friends: Jack and Lance.  Jack and Lances’ visit to Rongchang marked the first time that we had been together since Chongqing.  Catching up, chatting, celebrating, singing KTV, etc marked a wonderful weekend for us four! 

Summing up this blog is quite easy for me.  This experience is absolutely the greatest of my life.  I could never have expected it from the beginning.  However, almost four months later I am really starting to enjoy being here every day.  My life has always been a great gift; however, I am really hitting my stride with improving my Chinese which has also cheered me up lately.  The struggle to use Chinese as much as possible is tough.  However, I want to continue practicing my Chinese and enjoy being confused too.  The confusion draws me to want to improve something I know I will do in time.  I know I have a great way to go; however, that is the same with all of us.  Wishing all of you a wonderful early summer back in America!

Best,

Erik