My Grandpa's Final Moments: A Lasting Image

 

                                Remarkably, the last image I have forever imbedded into my memory is my grandfather waking up from his death bed smiling and waving at me only moments before I was to leave on my return flight to China.  What makes this memory so special for is the effect which this knowledge had on my soul.  In truth, on that day I knew that I would never again see my Grandfather alive on this earth.  Knowing that I was still okay and going to be able to continue living life at least at this most basic level gave me the ability to go back to China even more determined to succeed than before.     

 

                                During that final day in Minnesota I spent several hours holding my grandfather's hand while he rested peacefully.  Although he was unable to move or at times perceive my presence at his side I continued to whisper to him throughout the day.  It is reasonable for a person to question what they should say while speaking to a loved one on their death bed.  Admittedly, I had at times in my life tried to imagine this incredible situation playing out in my mind.  I think that I felt that I had to do this because I was truthfully terrified of this impending doom.  In some way, I felt that a ritualized mental preparation in front of this event could somehow soften the blow of his loss in my life.  I believed then that by mentally practicing this inevitable situation I would somehow "know" how to act once the event took place.

 

                                What I did not consider at the time but seems quite clear to me now in reflection of my own life is the great cost maintaining equanimity has on the soul.  Am I so afraid of showing emotion that I would attempt to not be present in my own life?  What is SO bad about letting someone see your true self?  Basically, that theory floats the idea that maintain ones appearances is more important than truthfully expressing the affective qualities of the brain.  This perverse sense of stoicism caused me a lot of residual pain and suffering throughout my lifetime at the gain of nothing in return. 

 

                                To go back to my experience that final day with my grandfather; I am happy to admit that I was able to overcome my own fears of emotional connection and able to communicate the sturm und drang of my heart.  On that fateful day it would be apropos to say that I seized the moment and was able to resolve my inner struggle enough to show my true self.

 

                                Only through writing this down now can I realize how many times I have failed in this most sacred of tasks; for in essence telling lies has a negatively equal and opposite effect on the person telling the lie.  Lying also prevents the other person you are lying to from the truth which is equally harmful in nature.  In all honesty, I cannot imagine a greater affront to humanity than to knowingly tell a lie.  Since seeking truth is the most natural of all human pursuits; a person who knowingly attempts to pervade that truth should be seen as the wicked villain for who they truly are.

 

It is hard to overestimate the great impact unfettering my heart had on me that day.  Thankfully, I can definitely say that to this day I have no regrets with the passing of my grandpa, and I attribute this sense of acceptance completely to the fact that I was able to frankly express my heart when I needed to most.