The Loss of a Legend: A Period of Loss and Hope

                                During that first semester in Beibei the Kottom family suffered the loss of our patriarch, James Kottom.  Naturally, this loss was to have profound effects on all family members.  In particular, this loss was especially difficult for me to take. 

 

                                It was not so much that I was in the least bit surprised of the timing of his passing.  For a number of years his health had been suspect which would lead a rationale person to come to the conclusion that his eventual passing could easily come fast and without warming.  I found that being faced with the almost omnipresent fear of his death had a somewhat fatalistic effect on my deportment with Grandpa.  Overtime I discovered that I could not in all honesty remain always vigilant in face of such an imminent threat. 

 

                                In hindsight, I learned that eventually any state of constant vigilance will develop into one of two different conditions.  One path leads people down a road of disassociation with that ill individual in the aim of protecting themselves from the pain that they will feel at the point of their departure from this life.  This above statement is made with the assumption that the said relationship was previously a healthy one in nature.  I cannot comment specifically on my knowledge of the former comment because I tried my hardest to maintain a close relationship with my Grandfather until the end.

 

                                Another path leads a person to the conclusion that they immediately need to work to build a stronger relationship with their loved one learns.  In this guise they start to become grateful for every day they get to spend with that person.  Overtime, naturally even this sense of gratitude felt for each moment with a person will be tested.  The unfortunate truth is that no matter how much we love a person over time we start to develop a hopeful expectance towards their mortality.  It seems that humans do not conceptualize the concept of imminent mortality well.  We start to almost assume that nothing will actually kill that person who we have come to know as being present in our everyday lives.

 

 

 

                                I have to attest that I am in no way shape or form an exception to this rule.  Even though I tried to remind myself that my Grandpa's time was quite short on this earth I too had trouble trying to make sense of what life could be like without him.  Honestly, who can blame us humans?  Our incomplete knowledge of our infinite universe and its associated laws has lead people to make great miscalculations throughout history.  The knowledge that of lives will continue to evolve through technology and science should push people to accept that our knowledge of the world is at best incomplete. Even with all of this uncertainty their still remains some universal truths on this earth.  One of them to me certainly is the earnest love of two people.

 

                                The greatest gift that I was given was an opportunity to come home near the end of my grandfather's life.  I have to thank my parents for this gift which gave me the all important chance to say goodbye to my grandfather before it was too late. 

 

                                Upon arriving home I was suspicious to find that the first few days were surprisingly uneventful.  Even though my Grandfather was pretty lucid I still realized that his body seemed to clearly be failing him in serious ways.  Luckily, his sensory cognition and ability to vividly remember specific events from his life allowed us to still have almost normal conversations. 

 

                                Truthfully, at first my grandpa was almost able to convince me that his disappearing act might still be some weeks away.  Indeed, after my third day at home I remember even telling my Dad that Grandpa might hang on for a few more months.  The harsh reality is that no one knows the exact date when our tickets to the next life are purchased.  Once that ticket has been paid for the ferryman does not allow you to change flights or leave the queue. 

 

                                My grandfather's courage at facing death was nothing short of miraculous.  His adamantine discipline was even able to withstand the punishing effects that a failing body has on our constitution, deportment, and countenance.  His equanimity intact he went towards death with a certain type of long-forgotten grace similar in nature to that of the stoic philosopher Seneca the Younger.