Winter Vacation: Analyzing the Dynamics of a Successful Group

                                I was blessed with having the opportunity to spend an entire month on the road travelling with four excellent companions.  Our group was made up of five Americans in total with each person already possessing an extensive traveling resume in their lifetime.  Our group even shared deeper levels of connection though, since all of us were at the time teaching English in China.  These contributing factors helped us to further our greater senses of group identity.

 

                                As I was a late arrival to the group; I had previously been planning a separate trip with another workmate which ended up falling through at the last minute, I was not especially pleased with the itinerary going into the trip.  Obviously, different people are going to have conflicting opinions on what exactly is an "ideal" vacation in their own minds.  Since attempting to conflate the two itineraries would have been pointless and caused a lot of unnecessary sturm un drang within the group I decided to only try and push for one digression from their original plan.

 

                                With that being said, I was lucky in the fact that the group was pretty flexible in nature and found enjoyment easy enough in almost all of experiences that arose while traveling.  Obviously, groups are always going to be tested whenever they share a close proximal distance over a long duration of time.  Contrary to what many of my closest friends back home may have assumed of me growing up I think that by nature I tend to recoil against any attempt at group collusion when I am in the minority; nevertheless, I still find myself acquiescing in the face of a unanimous group decision.  Fortunately for me our group did not experience too many parsimonious situations or tightly contested split decisions during the trip.  Whenever such a debate did occur the group usually decided to split up for that day, which in the end promoted the best possible outcome for both interested parties. 

 

                                During this trip I was able to recognize several important lessons regarding my conduct in groups.  First, I learned that it was never wise to withhold your true feelings regarding something important.  When I looked back on my life I was surprised to discover ubiquitous examples of times when I attempted to ameliorate situations by limiting my own personal goals.   Only recently have I learned that feigning false affectations aimed at receiving the approbations of others is not the right path to take in life.  Only by truthfully answering others will I be able to remove the bounds that shackled my true self.  The true self yearns to live without boundaries in life and finds contentment only in knowing that it is unrestricted in expression.

 

                                Another point important contributing factor to the overall balance of the group was the cohesiveness of my four compatriots.  Two of the teachers had been friends since grade school whereas a third friendship was forged in college with another colleague.  The one and only female in the group was the boyfriend of one of the formerly mentioned colleagues which rounded out our entourage.  This reality left me clearly as the only group member without a closer group distinction prior to my first semester teaching in China.  Since I was clearly the odd man out in this equation it was in my best interest to maintain a neutral or in the most extreme slightly dissenting opinion when called upon.  

 

                                Luckily, as I previously stated earlier the group was in spite of these aforementioned links and congruities able to happily accept me as a fifth member of their unit. 

My Grandpa's Final Moments: A Lasting Image

 

                                Remarkably, the last image I have forever imbedded into my memory is my grandfather waking up from his death bed smiling and waving at me only moments before I was to leave on my return flight to China.  What makes this memory so special for is the effect which this knowledge had on my soul.  In truth, on that day I knew that I would never again see my Grandfather alive on this earth.  Knowing that I was still okay and going to be able to continue living life at least at this most basic level gave me the ability to go back to China even more determined to succeed than before.     

 

                                During that final day in Minnesota I spent several hours holding my grandfather's hand while he rested peacefully.  Although he was unable to move or at times perceive my presence at his side I continued to whisper to him throughout the day.  It is reasonable for a person to question what they should say while speaking to a loved one on their death bed.  Admittedly, I had at times in my life tried to imagine this incredible situation playing out in my mind.  I think that I felt that I had to do this because I was truthfully terrified of this impending doom.  In some way, I felt that a ritualized mental preparation in front of this event could somehow soften the blow of his loss in my life.  I believed then that by mentally practicing this inevitable situation I would somehow "know" how to act once the event took place.

 

                                What I did not consider at the time but seems quite clear to me now in reflection of my own life is the great cost maintaining equanimity has on the soul.  Am I so afraid of showing emotion that I would attempt to not be present in my own life?  What is SO bad about letting someone see your true self?  Basically, that theory floats the idea that maintain ones appearances is more important than truthfully expressing the affective qualities of the brain.  This perverse sense of stoicism caused me a lot of residual pain and suffering throughout my lifetime at the gain of nothing in return. 

 

                                To go back to my experience that final day with my grandfather; I am happy to admit that I was able to overcome my own fears of emotional connection and able to communicate the sturm und drang of my heart.  On that fateful day it would be apropos to say that I seized the moment and was able to resolve my inner struggle enough to show my true self.

 

                                Only through writing this down now can I realize how many times I have failed in this most sacred of tasks; for in essence telling lies has a negatively equal and opposite effect on the person telling the lie.  Lying also prevents the other person you are lying to from the truth which is equally harmful in nature.  In all honesty, I cannot imagine a greater affront to humanity than to knowingly tell a lie.  Since seeking truth is the most natural of all human pursuits; a person who knowingly attempts to pervade that truth should be seen as the wicked villain for who they truly are.

 

It is hard to overestimate the great impact unfettering my heart had on me that day.  Thankfully, I can definitely say that to this day I have no regrets with the passing of my grandpa, and I attribute this sense of acceptance completely to the fact that I was able to frankly express my heart when I needed to most.

The Loss of a Legend: A Period of Loss and Hope

                                During that first semester in Beibei the Kottom family suffered the loss of our patriarch, James Kottom.  Naturally, this loss was to have profound effects on all family members.  In particular, this loss was especially difficult for me to take. 

 

                                It was not so much that I was in the least bit surprised of the timing of his passing.  For a number of years his health had been suspect which would lead a rationale person to come to the conclusion that his eventual passing could easily come fast and without warming.  I found that being faced with the almost omnipresent fear of his death had a somewhat fatalistic effect on my deportment with Grandpa.  Overtime I discovered that I could not in all honesty remain always vigilant in face of such an imminent threat. 

 

                                In hindsight, I learned that eventually any state of constant vigilance will develop into one of two different conditions.  One path leads people down a road of disassociation with that ill individual in the aim of protecting themselves from the pain that they will feel at the point of their departure from this life.  This above statement is made with the assumption that the said relationship was previously a healthy one in nature.  I cannot comment specifically on my knowledge of the former comment because I tried my hardest to maintain a close relationship with my Grandfather until the end.

 

                                Another path leads a person to the conclusion that they immediately need to work to build a stronger relationship with their loved one learns.  In this guise they start to become grateful for every day they get to spend with that person.  Overtime, naturally even this sense of gratitude felt for each moment with a person will be tested.  The unfortunate truth is that no matter how much we love a person over time we start to develop a hopeful expectance towards their mortality.  It seems that humans do not conceptualize the concept of imminent mortality well.  We start to almost assume that nothing will actually kill that person who we have come to know as being present in our everyday lives.

 

 

 

                                I have to attest that I am in no way shape or form an exception to this rule.  Even though I tried to remind myself that my Grandpa's time was quite short on this earth I too had trouble trying to make sense of what life could be like without him.  Honestly, who can blame us humans?  Our incomplete knowledge of our infinite universe and its associated laws has lead people to make great miscalculations throughout history.  The knowledge that of lives will continue to evolve through technology and science should push people to accept that our knowledge of the world is at best incomplete. Even with all of this uncertainty their still remains some universal truths on this earth.  One of them to me certainly is the earnest love of two people.

 

                                The greatest gift that I was given was an opportunity to come home near the end of my grandfather's life.  I have to thank my parents for this gift which gave me the all important chance to say goodbye to my grandfather before it was too late. 

 

                                Upon arriving home I was suspicious to find that the first few days were surprisingly uneventful.  Even though my Grandfather was pretty lucid I still realized that his body seemed to clearly be failing him in serious ways.  Luckily, his sensory cognition and ability to vividly remember specific events from his life allowed us to still have almost normal conversations. 

 

                                Truthfully, at first my grandpa was almost able to convince me that his disappearing act might still be some weeks away.  Indeed, after my third day at home I remember even telling my Dad that Grandpa might hang on for a few more months.  The harsh reality is that no one knows the exact date when our tickets to the next life are purchased.  Once that ticket has been paid for the ferryman does not allow you to change flights or leave the queue. 

 

                                My grandfather's courage at facing death was nothing short of miraculous.  His adamantine discipline was even able to withstand the punishing effects that a failing body has on our constitution, deportment, and countenance.  His equanimity intact he went towards death with a certain type of long-forgotten grace similar in nature to that of the stoic philosopher Seneca the Younger. 

First Semester in Beibei (北碚)

Upon arriving in Beibei I was truly of clear mind and purpose.  My goal was above all else to take my oral Chinese from conversant to fluency.  Upon my arrival in town I first had a meal with another foreign teaching colleague.  In conversation I shared with my colleague my defined goals which turned out to be quite the humbling experience for me in the end.  In my colleague eyes this stated goal was something less than a long shot but more difficult than I could have previously imagined it being. 

 

                                It turned out that fluency in Mandarin Chinese had eluded my colleague even with more than six years spent living in China.  On top of that reality, my colleague had also taken two years off of teaching English to exclusively study Chinese as a foreign student at Southwest University.  Hearing the bitter harshness of reality actually had a stimulating effect on my constitution.  Instead of getting disenchanted with the enormity of my pre-stated goals I decided that I was going to work harder than I ever had in my life to prove everyone else wrong. 

 

                                Clearly, my admission of wanting to prove other people wrong may seem extremely foolish, even childish when considering the extent of the obstacles in my way.  Why waste so much time and effort just to prove other people wrong?  It truly is a fruitless endeavor which will leave a person feeling isolated, dividing from self, and above all else frustrated. 

 

                                My remonstrance against doing something for the wrong reason is truly apropos unless one finds that along the way towards achieving one's predetermined goals they find intrinsic happiness.  In my case, I know that I really enjoyed and had a talent for speaking foreign languages; therefore, my desire for fluency did not seem like some holy quest to prove to everyone else that my Chinese was quite fluent.

 

Actually, my desire and sense of determination came from my longing to be able to communicate more with people in Chinese.  I scorned myself for my lack of knowledge of the language, and I always dreaded the occasional point in the conversation where I was unable to understand every detail in the response of the opposite person. 

 

                                I was also excited during those first few days in Beibei to meet my new teaching colleagues at the university.  After meeting each individual I truly was encouraged by what I saw.  Indeed I had never been around a more eclectic or diversely assembled group in my life.   With that being said, I was surprised to see how well the group seemed to co-exist together throughout the vicissitudes of life.  A visitor from another country truly would have felt at home in our small "United Nations" which was the smallest level of association we could attach ourselves to.

 

                                I was also encouraged by the more rigorous English curriculum and the discipline of the students I was fortunate enough to work with at Southwest University (西南大学).  Likewise, I became aware of the many differences between teaching English at the college of foreign languages in Beibei in comparison to teaching elective courses in Rongchang.  Clearly the Ethos at Beibei was different from Rongchang as the students were expected to perform well in my class, attending class was mandatory, and my teaching was going to be evaluated by a group of teaching peers at the university.

 

                                In accordance with these changes I worked harder at preparing the materials which we were going to be using in the classroom.  However, it quickly became apparent to me that a looming crisis of identity was in front of me as well.  As is the case in many crisis I have faced in my life this one was more of a psychological nature as opposed to the physical collision with a transparent leviathan of sorts.  Obviously, I wanted to spent my free time studying Chinese; however, as my extra responsibilities teaching English would definitely cut into my extra free-time I had planned on having devoted to studying Chinese.

 

                                Fortunately for me I quickly learned that my students did not have a real taste for the lecture based approach that I had planned for them; rather, they preferred to be actively engaging in discourse revolving around speaking scenarios crafted out of a specific theme presented in class.  This truly eased the burden of preparing lengthy lectures on topics which I had assumed students were to have some interest in learning about.  I was also lucky in the fact that I had a really enthusiastic supervisor who was supportive of trying out a new teaching model in the classroom.  This flexibility in the curriculum allowed for a diverse and innovative classroom experience.

 

                                At the same time that my own quest for greater understanding of the Chinese language was taking off so to was the journey of another colleague of mine.  This colleague's work ethic and desire to learn Chinese really knew no boundaries as they took the task of learning Chinese on with full-force.  Watching my friend's maturation and development presented a question and a challenge for me.  I honestly felt a little threatened in the knowledge that I had another competitor out there who was learning Chinese as well as I was. 

 

                                When I first started speaking Chinese it seemed that it was an innate special skill which I alone had the power to craft.  In my case, the small town environment of Rongchang definitely helped to promote that myth.  After seeing other foreigners improving their Chinese in a linear manner with the help of trained Chinese language teachers I decided that a new approach towards language acquisition was the most prudent course of action for me to take.

 

                                After the second week of the fall semester, I started attending classes weekly with some of the international students learning Chinese at Southwest University.  It soon became apparent to me that I actually really needed to take the time to study Chinese in a classroom setting.  The group dynamics and planned lessons really helped me to improve my Chinese in a short period of time.

 

                                After couple of classes, I found that my practical knowledge learned from experience did not always help to prepare me for the rigors of the classroom.  At the time this admission really seemed to hurt my ego.  Likewise, it even had the consequence of driving a wedge between me and my fellow students as I struggled with the fact that I needed to keep working on my Chinese if I wanted to match their understanding. 

 

                                To my credit my oral Chinese was much better than my peers; however, when it came to the classroom material I was clearly at a disadvantage.  This stemmed mainly from the fact that as teachers our schedules precluded us from being able to attend much of the coursework offered at Southwest University.  In hindsight my shame at not being an equal with my peers as well my own obstinacy both propelled me to continue learning Chinese primarily on my own that first semester in Beibei.

Return to China: A Familiar Reality

 

                                My return to China started off eerily similar to that of my last departure.  In no small part was that due to the necessity of returning to my past teaching site to collect my personal items left under the care of my former supervisor, Mr. Tian.  Knowing that I was going to be actually spending the 12-13' academic calendar in a different city allowed me to feel a sense of relief upon returning to Rongchang (荣昌).  Even before I returned to my past teaching site, I honestly was extremely happy in the knowledge that I was going to be moving to a much larger campus and city for the upcoming academic year.  For too long I had felt isolated by the confines of living in the sparsely populated city of Rongchang.  With that being said, I know that my first year and a half spent in Rongchang truly was a transformative experience for me.  I would earnestly be remiss if I was not grateful to everyone who had a role in my experience there.                                        Even with that sense of gratitude already in mind I could seriously tell that staying in Rongchang would have been a mistake for me.  Knowing that all I needed to do was collect my belongings and move onto another location was a bone to my constitution moving forward. 

 

                                It is strange to think how quickly we can resign ourselves to some changes in life while struggle mightily while dealing with others.  In my case, moving away from Rongchang seemed so innately natural to me that there was no need to reconsider my decision to move onto beibei(北碚).  Throughout my time spent in China there has always seemed to be a guiding force keeping me engaged forward on a path towards greater knowledge.  For me, the transition to living in Beibei was a means to fulfill that longing for deeper logos in my intellectual life as I prepared to focus hard on improving my oral Chinese over the next year.

 

                                Even with feeling the effects of the jet lag and dealing with my often pre-occupied ego I still found the time to appreciate the experience of getting to see the Tian family during my day in Rongchang.  Mr. Tian was his usual jovial self and did a marvelous job of hosting several meals for me before I was to leave the next day.  I again greatly enjoyed receiving his beneficence as he would never dare allow me to pay for my portion of the bill.  I also truly appreciated the modesty of his character as he continually brushed off my occasional, "thank you" with his patented, "it does not matter" reply.  After collecting my belongings and receiving my flight reimbursement I was driven to my new apartment in Beibei.  As I sat in the car pondering my future I could not help but thinking that as quickly as an old chapter in my life had closed a new one was about to begin.    

Disclaimer:  Please remember that these first posts leading up to my current time in China are not in the same guise as they will be like once I start blogging daily from Beibei, China.  I am trying to catch everyone up on the past year and a half of my life and cannot help but do so in a more elaborate manner.  Once I have completed the time in the interim I will do my best to minimize the length of my missives to two-three paragraphs!

Summer 2012: A Time of Great Changes

 

                                The summer of 2012 was the first time that I had returned home since moving to China to teach English in February of 2011.  To be honest, that first summer back from China was a surprising experience for me.  In one regard I was extremely happy to be back home with family and friends after having such a long absence from their lives.   On the other hand, I could not help but notice that I still found myself longing for the adventure of living abroad. 

 

                                One of the first things that I noticed once I returned home was how grateful I was for the simplest things in my life back in the United States.  For example, just being able to drive a car to and from errands, the gym, or a party was truly a gift of convenience.  During the first couple of weeks back in the United States I definitely experienced reverse cultural shock. 

 

                                It was a hard time for me since none of my friends spare Cory Quirk-Becker had ever gone through an experience such as I had just finished.  No matter how hard I tried to accept the differences I just could not find a way to accept them without talking to someone else.  I guess that is the Irish part of my personality trying to express itself again...

 

                                In the end, since I could not find someone else who I thought had similar experiences to my own I did what all good Norwegians do, I told no-one.  Some of the more difficult issues I found resolving revolved around the differences in sensory stimulation.  For example, I became strikingly aware of how few people there were in Minnesota compared to where I had lived in China.  Clearly, before living in China minor differences such as this would not have left an indelible mark on me.  Over time, these types of observations began to make me feel alienated with myself and even in certain circumstances created a feeling of morose displeasure at knowing how ignorant I had been before moving to China.   

 

                                While living at home I also noticed how I had made a lot of assumptions regarding things while I was living in China.  In retrospect, my assumptions turned out to be correct only about half of time.  One of the first things that I noticed was that my friends' mannerisms did not change while I was living abroad.  I was also surprised to discover how some other things had changed a lot since I had been away.  One change which disheartened me greatly was seeing my Grandfather seemingly wasting away in front of me.  By this point his eighty-four years of life were starting to wear him down physically, and it became apparent that he did not have much time left on this earth.  Grandpa was always one who seemed to have an infinite amount of energy regarding all tasks in life.  Honestly, seeing his weakness was a humbling experience for me and forced me ask myself if I really did want to continue my experience living in China.

 

                                After talking with many of my former acquaintances regarding my time abroad I soon found that some people had a lot more knowledge on China than I had expected; however, the vast majority of people did not know much about the place that I had spent a year and a half of my life in.  In some rare cases I noticed that people held contempt for China or had somewhat narrow views regarding the people I had grown to empathize with over the course of my time abroad.  In those rare cases I tried to summon my greatest forbearance possible and attempt to dispel as many stereotypes, prejudices, and biases as possible.

 

                                The final and most encompassing change that I became aware of was that I had truly changed.  Nothing that had happened to me in China was going to completely change the person who had spent the vast-majority of their life in a predominately white middle class community.  Looking back on it today I am glad that those roots are too deep to ever be uprooted.  Philosophically speaking, I think that this awareness argues that even novel experiences do not have the power in themselves to change a person unless that person is also willing to change too. 

 

                                From my new perspective, I felt that I would nevermore be able to see the world in a way that did not include a different lens, viewpoint, or synthesis after living in China.  Please do not take the above statement to conflate the idea that I now see the world from only a Chinese or American perspective; rather, I tend to now be much more skeptical of all things I hear at first and only make a decision on where I stand after careful observation of the facts.

                               

                                Unfortunately, as soon as I seemed re-acclimated with life in the United States it was time for me to move on again.  Throughout life I have noticed a desire in myself to maintain the present before facing the inevitable winds of change.  This visceral love of consistency seems to be innately desired from most humans.  I think that most honest people will tell you that they struggle when facing the challenges of unwanted change in life.  At least, in my case the approaching change was all part of a planned journey that I had charted for myself when I decided to return to China for the 2012-13 academic year.

A Year and A Half In Review

Beginning Anew: The Last Year and a Half of My Life

                                Hello everyone, it definitely has been a long time since my last blog posting; I guess I did not have enough fun without being able to harass people without blogging.  In the spirit of the times, just like any bad actor turned television star; I am going to attempt a comeback in a new light.  In order for this endeavor to work I am going to need to adopt some serious changes to my writing style.  Since my intended changes have nothing to do with aesthetics it looks like I am going to have to drop my actor analogies at this point.

 

                                After reading this far if you still have not the slightest clue as to what the heck I am talking about then you will be able to really grip the essence of my writing problem.  In the past, I would attempt to place my aphorisms within the framework of my blog in a manner which was not always conducive to understanding the lesser and greater themes at hand.  Thankfully, I was aware of this problem early on thanks to comments of family and friends; nonetheless, I found it difficult to alleviate these problems without undergoing a major writing makeover.

 

                                In an attempt to deliver a better final product I am going to begin writing in a more clear, concise, and direct manner; however, like which is the case with almost all great impediments, I find that I personally am the greatest obstacle in my way towards reaching my goals.  Since I actually like thinking deeply and introspectively regarding a myriad of topics, I feel that attempting to cut back on the scope of these ideas would be a disservice to me and you. Therefore, I am going to attempt to write a thematic blog instead of the longer and more encompassing journalistic style which included events, observations, opinions, and many other digressions. 

 

                                I guess at this point in my writing career I can say that I now have some empathy for the ancient Greek, Herodotus.  Since his writing on the Persian wars literally created the genre of historical writing it seems that we should at least pay homage to the man for posterities sake; nonetheless, his critics tend to pick him apart since his writing style included many digressions, reads similar to an epic poem, and did not maintain the accuracy which current historians deem essential to the scientific method of analysis.

 

                                Obviously this comparison is not a perfect foil to my writing style since I am neither writing about history nor trying to make my blog read similar to that of an epic poem.  Nevertheless, at times I indeed do find myself trying to write in a way which will make my audience more enthused regarding my topics; I know that the topics are not always inherently interesting to some readers.  This latter point was the one I had in mind when I wanted to directly connect my writing identity crisis to that of Herodotus since he is famous for digressing off of topic.  In the end, I guess it is hard to create empathy for a person who died over two-thousand years ago.

 

                                Having solved this riddle I now feel free to fill you in briefly on what has happened to me during the past year and a half.  Since I do not want to go against the zeitgeist of my intended reforms I will attempt to keep this as concise as possible; regardless, I fear that this might be a difficult task since much has occurred over the past year and a half in my life.  Thus, I hope that the reader will grant me this one transgression as the following will attempt to hit the highlights of the last year and a half.  If by this point you still have not the slightest interest in reading forward then I would suggest that you choose something else to put your energies towards.  Ready or not here we go!