Looking
down the path of one's future can be a perilous road to take. Although I have always remained consistent in
my belief that knowledge of the Chinese language will pay dividends;
nonetheless, I have still at times felt the psychological pressure of the
unknown future weighing me down.
I find that
working hard without a clear end goal is almost untenable and bordering on masochistic. Seeing tangible results along the road
towards reaching a goal is an essential part of any target-making process. If one does not find success while working on
achieving a goal then it is most natural for that person to quit wasting their
time on a pointless endeavor.
In
the end, I discovered that I was wasting time thinking about the outcomes of
things I did not control. If I was so
certain that what I was doing was going to be a boon to my future career why
did I need to waste so much time analyzing things that might never be? Do not get me wrong, if things started to
turn in a negative direction I would do my best to rectify the situation;
however, at this time every indication is that my skills are valuable to me in
my future.
By letting go of
these irrational fears I was able to experience peace in my life. My letting go of irrational fears coincided
with the changes which I mentioned in the above paragraphs. Together both of these alterations have
played an important role in my creating my current state of consciousness.
When I was on
the plane to China from San Francisco a recurrent feeling of anticipation was
present in all things I thought about. I
could not contain my excitement at being able to return to the country which
had opened me up to a myriad of new experiences in life.
Fortune would
have it that an American family of one of my friends from Beibei would be on
the same flight as me from Shanghai to Chongqing. Being able to help them through some of the
more ambiguous Chinese boarding procedures was a wonderful and empowering
feeling for me since only a couple of years ago I too would have felt out of
place and confused.
Upon landing in
Chongqing, I was immediately confronted with the challenge of trying to bargain
for a cheaper rate for my taxi fare back to Beibei. I was determined to not settle for less than
a competitive fare since successfully being able to bargain down the original
price is a sign of learned experience.
After settling on a competitive fare (100 yuan) we were shortly on the road
to Beibei.
That first night
in Beibei was a memorable one for me because I had a very distinct feeling of
distress while I tried to fall asleep. I
was alarmed by a sudden feeling of uncertainty I felt in returning to
China. I started to worry again about
the uncertainty of the future.
That first
night, it took me several hours to wear-off all of the adrenaline and
excitement I felt upon arriving in Beibei.
The last thought I had before falling asleep really stuck with me all
the way up until today.
In order to get
myself to fall asleep, I had to promise to myself that I was not going to regret
my decision to return to China. I had to
promise to myself to never let one day pass by without living it to the fullest. In the process of realizing this goal, I was
to discover something new about myself that I had previously neglected to
discover out.
The process of
learning to accept myself had the unintended effect of initiated a second
process of rebirth in my life. The
climax of this process was returning to China because at this point I learned
that I could work really hard and be happy at the same time. Previously, I had always worked hard for
someone else in my life. I had always
found it easy to neglect myself until I decided that it was time to do the
right thing for the right reasons; rather, instead of doing the right thing for
the wrong reasons.
In this way, I
had I found a force inside of me released stronger than any I had experienced
before in my life. This "life"
force and its impact on my fortunes are what I will focus on in this last chapter
of the review of my past.
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