Actually, the
offer that I received came more in the form of an obligation I felt I needed to
perform. My parents asked me if I could
manage to come home the following semester in order to help out the family while
dad was fighting cancer. At first, I
honestly struggled with this offer since I was afraid to face the reality of the
situation back home. Indeed, I found
myself in the proverbial, "rock and a hard place," since I knew I
should go home to be with the family regardless of my personal discomfort with
the harshness of reality.
Through the
healing forces of time, I am now able to look back upon my selfish obstinacy
with a sense of disgust, sadness, and empathy all at the same time
practically. I guess it is safe to say
that I was living a divided life at that time of crisis.
The latest news
I was hearing about dad's condition was more encouraging than what I had previously
heard. Thankfully, the doctors told us
that dad was going to be getting his stem-cell transplant around the middle of
October. Hearing this news really helped
to lift up my down spirit around the time I was to return home.
Another big change
in my life was related to the status of my relationship with 陈诗文. The decision
was made between us to try and maintain our relationship while we were apart. This decision was difficult for both of us to
manage since neither of us had prior experience with long-distance
relationships.
On top of that I
was coming back to a world that was infinitely different from the one I had
become used to in my previous life in Minnesota with the passing of Grandpa
Kottom. Facing this obstacle I knew
would be difficult for me because my grandpa played such an inspirational role in
my life.
All of the above
aforementioned changes overshadowed the two obvious challenges which would also
meet me upon arriving home. First, I was
not going to be in China for an entire semester as I was going to be needed to
assist the family during that period of time.
Second, I was going to have to suspend my studies and put my personal
ambitions on hold while I was at home helping the family out.
It remains interesting to me how clearly
the present can make the past look in retrospect. Looking back on my past ruminations tells me
that I was at that time in my life living a very selfish, egotistical, and
ultimately divided existence. For many
reasons I was struggling at that time with being able to let my parent's struggles
enter my consciousness.
The beauty of
getting to where I am now is that I can accept all of these truths and move on
in a way that neither rejects nor accepts the past. This type of peace can only come from the
power of allowing awareness to enter our consciousness. In order to protect ourselves from sliding
back into a recurring nightmare of continued error a person must learn to listen
to the signs of reality in front of us, become aware of our own
thought-process, and accept the imperfections of our nature. True consciousness really can exist if we
allow our awareness to reach that level; however, if we never give it a real
chance than of course we will continue to miss out from the lessons that may have
been learned only through the process of becoming aware. Remember, it is often impossible to see
something if we are blind!
Another poignant
observation that I should make is about the manner in which I was living a
divided life. At that time, I was painfully
aware my soul's desire to answer the call to help my parents; regardless, I was
still completely blind to the reality of why I was struggling to move forward
regarding these seemingly simple questions.
Truthfully, this
struggle has taken me until the very present to answer in its entirety. The fact remains that I was living a divided
life primarily because I had always grown up rejecting the person I truly was
born to be.
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