At this point in
my recounting of my last year and a half of my life I think it is important to
share with you the single greatest discovery and subsequent changes I have been
making in my life recently.
Through careful observations,
honesty, and awareness I finally recognized that at a young age I started
trying to reject the person who I truly was inside. Frankly, this phenomenon occurred only because
I did not see myself being able to compete with my father's accomplishments while
being the person I truly was.
I think this
childhood desire to be more like my father is common experience for most
children growing up; however, the lengths that I went to make these changes
were truly extraordinary. If I think
back on it now, I would imagine that being an only child greatly aided in my tenacity
at which I worked on changing myself personally. The problem was that in my haste to become
more like my dad I completely forgot to remember who I truly was as a person.
It is not
surprising that from an early age I had even learned that this strategy had its
extrinsic advantages as well. I found
that my parents would reward me when my idealized actions molded to those of my
parents. I soon discovered what I
thought to be happiness in the contentment one feels upon reaping the rewards
of actions which did not truly merit rewarding.
Over time though, I discovered that there was still something missing in
this arrangement which left me feeling hollow inside for some reason. I knew that something was amiss, yet what
that actual thing was continued to elude my desperate pursuit of it...
This type of
"childish" logic is really based off of presumptive social theory which
focuses on the importance of molding social behaviors in order to match that of
the group as a whole. It should not be
shocking to anyone that from a young age some people seem intuitively able to
grasp these types of social dynamics. Naturally,
the rewarding process of this game is what keeps people in line and conformed
to the informal and formal rules of that group.
The size of the group itself can also be expanded in regards to even
society as a whole. This is the kind of
stuff which I like thinking about most...
Yeah, I am a nerd!
From an early
age, only-children are painfully aware of their own isolation and relish any
type of social interaction from other people.
Therefore, it would not seem that strange to believe that in cases of
receiving social-stimuli only-children seem to be more hyper-sensitive compared
to that of their multi-sibling peers. I was
aware from a young age that somehow I did not fit in with my peers; likewise,
every time I tried to mix in with other children I suffered from my own
over-stimulation at being around people of my age group.
Later in life
this problem of group-association manifested itself in many different
ways. The most frustrating example of
this phenomenon was that even in high school I felt distinctly alienated from
the groups I had worked so hard to associate myself with. Indeed, it would take me until the end of my
high school studies to find other people who shared similar goals,
inspirations, and ideas with me. In
those latter associations I finally started to find peace in accepting who I
was as a person. In those relationships
I finally found a voice for relating my own struggle with self which I had
previously been unable to find in my life.
This journey at
points brought me to the edge of almost losing my true self to the created
image I was striving to reach. It was a
dark odyssey which took me down several bouts of depression and feelings of
general malaise. Fortunately, I was able
to somewhere deep down inside remember that God had never abandoned me
throughout this journey, and God had created me to fulfill a special purpose in
my life. Even in my darkest and most
despairing days I still held out hope that God would somehow help me to find
out the answers to my questions. The
ironic thing is that once I figured out the real problem the solution was
inherently a simple one. God already
told me the answer long ago; I just needed to learn how to listen to what he
was telling me and accept my true self again.
Honestly, I
cannot think of a happier ending to my life's struggle for personal awareness. Knowing that I was finally ready to accept my
true self in life was the most important change I have ever made in my life. Its impact transcends itself in all manners
and ways. Most recently this has had an
important impact on my search for true vocation in my life. I learned that if a person can accept their
true self in a way that utilizes both their inherent strengths and weaknesses
then they have a chance to find happiness in their work.
For many years
now I have spent a lot of time focusing on self-understanding. During this time I tried extremely hard to be
able to understand the whole story in its entirety. The beauty of my final discovery was that I
alone could not answer these greater questions without the help of others. My personal ruminations could take me to
place and time, but only by hearing the perspectives of others was I able to
really put the whole puzzle back-together.
In this way, I must thank both my parents for helping along the course
of my journey.
For some the
truth can be a very difficult thing to accept.
Fortunately for me, discovering truth had the unintended consequence of
setting me free from my own personal hell.
I am now free to live my life knowing that I am absolutely doing what
God intended me to do with the natural gifts that were given to me. Knowing that I am no-longer living divided
has allowed me to feel like I am experience life again for the first time! Truly, this process can become a completely
transformative one for those of us interested in living more peaceful lives. I encourage everyone who reads this to take
some time to evaluate their own lives more closely. Afterwards, I am sure that you too will find
many questions worth looking into more closely.
I believe that a
final comment on this section is needed.
The journey of finding oneself is truly never over. Getting to the point that I have reached has
been quite liberating for me; nonetheless, I know that my life will continue to
change from this point forward. In order
for me to maintain my personal understanding I am going to need to maintain my
present state of awareness moving forward.
Now that I know how to do this I look forward to the upcoming challenges
and changes of life. This is our
journey; let's make it worth remembering!
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