Knowing that I
was going home to see dad for the first time since hearing the news of his cancer
diagnosis scared me. To say that I was
feeling anxious to see my parents is an understatement, since I was honestly
trying my best to not even think about it throughout my flight home.
By the time I
was to return home in August, my dad's on-going chemotherapy treatments had
already been going on for around two months.
For me, my greatest fear was that I would see my dad and not be able to
recognize him due to his exhaustive chemotherapy treatments.
Upon hailing the
Honda CRV to the curb of the MLPS airport, I immediately noticed that dad did
not look as worm-down as I had feared.
By all accounts he seemed rather normal to me which under the
circumstances made me feel rather odd.
Sure enough, there were several awkward moments which passed between the
three of us where I first entered the car after unloading my luggage.
I think that this
uncomfortable feeling manifested itself at this moment because rightfully so I
was coming in as an outsider to my father's cancer. By this time the cancer did not seem so novel
to my parents, and I knew that I was going to feel tempted to try and make it
become so again by asking a bunch of redundant questions. I also confess that I felt an underlined
feeling of shame for personally not being home at the moment dad learned of his
fate. Even the most sincere protests to
the contrary could not have changed my position that I should be held
responsible as an only-child for the care of my parents.
What at first
was an obstacle to my intimacy with my parents soon became a rallying point of
our unit. As time went by, I found that
in only a matter of weeks I was able to talk with my parents freely about dad's
cancer. Soon I was even able to stop
feeling alienated about my perceived lack of duty for being responsible for my
parent's health.
During this
crisis, I learned a lot of important life lessons regarding managing tense
situations. In times of crisis it can
become expedient to hide one's true feelings once the majority of participants
latently call for a spirit of collective collaboration. I also discovered that I was not truly being
honest if I just went along with saying that the status quo was copasetic. I learned that I am not capable of putting on
false affectations when someone I love is in need of consult. I just flat out do not want to exaggerate the
reality of things that I cannot control.
Fortunately, I
did not come into a situation where either of the above things came into manifestation. Regardless, I sometimes struggled with
managing the amount of comfort and honesty I displayed with others regarding my
dad's cancer. It seems that I too am as convoluted
as other humans are.
In order to cope
with these sometimes difficult feelings I turned to exercise, prayer,
reflection, and work to help me get through the tough times in my father's
recovery. Luckily for me I was given the
awesome opportunity to work in the Chinese Immersion program in Minnetonka for
three months starting in the end of September.
This opportunity gave me the wonderful chance to focus my energies in
another direction in the middle of this time of crisis.
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