I would say that
I experienced several stages of grief upon hearing the news of my father's
diagnosis. First, I can frankly say that
I resorted to telling myself that everything was okay back home. Dad was clearly in the best hands possible
and that the doctors were the ones who could truly heal him anyway. I feel that in no small way living abroad at
this time contributed to the decision of choosing this defense mechanism. Obviously escapism is the most effective
method to employ for someone who is already away in the first place...
The phrase, out
of sight out of mind" definitely comes into play here for I really tried
to do my best to resume life as normally as I could in China. Contrary to my wishes, the passing of a couple
of weeks ushered in the realization that I could not maintain this masquerade
much longer. There was a point where I
finally realized that I could only heal from the pain I was feeling by candidly
talking with friends, students, and colleagues about my dad's cancer. To my benefit, after a couple of conversations
I could already feel that this tactic would ultimately help my overall strategy
of dealing with pain more successfully than my previous attempts to escape from
reality.
Going through
this process taught me the value of being honest. In normal conversations it does not take people
too long to recognize who is being honest with them. Likewise, even when we imagine ourselves to
be extremely deceiving we are actually much more transparent than we would like
to believe when trying to lie to others.
In any event, being aware of the value of honesty is definitely a
pre-requisite to being able to cope with trauma in our lives.
In my opinion,
the categories of, "repression" and "escapism" both fall
hand in hand. When I repressed my fears
about my father I attempted to place all of my energy on other tasks that would
keep my mind off of reality. Given that
my prodigious imagination knows no boundary, I found that I was very successful
in this pursuit. Only through the
passage of time was I able to see the folly of my ways and accept that it was
time to move forward with newest changes in my life.
For me, the real
watershed moment was when it was decided that I was to come and help out the
family for six months. Knowing that I
was soon going to have to face my fears changed my outlook on the situation. At the time, I correctly guessed that my
experience moving forward with my father's illness was going to change
dramatically. Only through the passage
of time would I be able to see how greatly these changes would impact my life
today.
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